Sixteen Candles Movie Poster

Quotes from Sixteen Candles

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    • Samantha: Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.
    • The Geek: Will you shut up? People around here work, alright? And will you hurry it up? I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.
    • [Long Duk Dong is dancing with Lumberjack, his head is on her ample chest]
    • Lumberjack: So... What's your name?
    • Long Duk Dong: Dong.
    • Lumberjack: What's your first name?
    • Long Duk Dong: Long.
    • Lumberjack: What's your middle name?
    • Long Duk Dong: Duk.
    • The Geek: Damn Mom, I've got my headgear on!
    • [annoyed]
    • Caroline: Will you wake up?
    • [opens eyes]
    • The Geek: Where the hell am I?
    • Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.
    • The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
    • Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.
    • The Geek: You own a church?
    • [about Ginny]
    • Mike Baker: Dad, she's got her period. Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?
    • Jim Baker: Where are you learning that stuff?
    • Mike Baker: School.
    • Jim Baker: Good. I get my money's worth.
    • Ginny: I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had men who've loved me before, but not for six months in a row.
    • Randy: Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion.
    • Brenda Baker: Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes?
    • Samantha: I can remember lots of things.
    • Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.
    • [chuckles]
    • Grandpa Fred: I better go get my magnifying glass.
    • Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so Perky.
    • [reaches to cup them]
    • [cut to Sam's bedroom]
    • Samantha: I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.
    • [Caroline is very drunk]
    • Caroline: Who's he?
    • Jake: That's me.
    • Caroline: Who are you?
    • Jake: I'm him.
    • Caroline: Oh, okay.
    • The Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Okay? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
    • Samantha: No problem.
    • The Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.
    • [Samantha chuckles]
    • Jake: I'll make a deal with you.
    • The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
    • [holds out a bowl]
    • The Geek: Want a pretzel?
    • Jake: You sure?
    • [takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
    • The Geek: Positive.
    • [holds up the panties]
    • Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?
    • The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.
    • Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
    • The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.
    • Jake: You can take mine.
    • The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.
    • Jake: I trust you...
    • [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw Caroline and him kissing]
    • The Geek: I'm dead.
    • [the car phone rings and he answers it]
    • The Geek: Hello?
    • [voice]
    • Cliff: Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
    • The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
    • [voice]
    • Cliff: Ted, we're dying, what happened?
    • The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
    • [hangs up]
    • [the bride arrives at the church, obviously out of it]
    • Brenda Baker: Her monthly bill came early. Well, she's fine, she just took a muscle relaxer.
    • Ginny: Try *four*.
    • The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. I mean, it's...
    • Samantha: Go to hell.
    • The Geek: VERY hostile!
    • Samantha: I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.
    • The Geek: How's it goin'?
    • Samantha: How's what going?
    • The Geek: You know - things, life, whatnot.
    • Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.
    • The Geek: By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.
    • Samantha: When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?
    • Randy: That's a cheerful thought.
    • Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.
    • The Geek: Ted.
    • Samantha: Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.
    • The Geek: I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.
    • Jim Baker: That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call 'em something else.
    • Jim Baker: Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
    • Samantha: Mike thinks I'm a dork.
    • Jim Baker: Mike *is* a dork.
    • Samantha: I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.
    • Long Duk Dong: No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food!
    • [to Samantha]
    • The Geek: Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?
    • The Geek: Nice ma - nice manners, babe!
    • Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
    • The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.
    • [laughs]
    • Randy: Okay.
    • The Geek: Shoot.
    • Randy: Get the hell outta here!
    • The Geek: Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy. You're a girl. Is there any thing wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us? Okay, look, I know you haven't been - just answer me one question.
    • Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.
    • [laughs]
    • The Geek: That's not the question. Am I turning you on?
    • [last lines]
    • Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.
    • Jake: Thanks for coming over.
    • Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.
    • Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
    • Samantha: It already came true.
    • The Geek: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.
    • [on the phone with the police]
    • Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmm? No, he's not retarded.
    • Grandpa Fred: Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.
    • Howard: Thanks, Fred.
    • [to Samantha]
    • Jim Baker: I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel this little talk has helped ya. So would ya be a sport and lie to me?
    • Howard: Dong. Where is my automobile?
    • Long Duk Dong: Oto-mo-biiile?
    • [laughing]
    • [Imitating race car. Imitating crash]
    • Long Duk Dong: Lake. Big Lake.
    • Dorothy Baker: Why, you little scuzzbag!
    • [She kicks Dong in the groin]
    • Samantha: You know everyone in this family has gone total outer limits.
    • Long Duk Dong: Ohhh, sexy girlfriend!... Bonzai!
    • Long Duk Dong: What's happenin', hot stuff?
    • Long Duk Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
    • Mike Baker: It's a quiche.
    • Long Duk Dong: How do you spell?
    • Grandpa Fred: Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it.
    • [laughs]
    • Mike Baker: What the hell are you bitchin' about? I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork.
    • Jake: I do independent study with her. I catch her lookin' at me a lot. It's kinda cool, the way she's always lookin' at me.
    • Rock: Maybe she's retarded.
    • Jake: I'm being serious, okay? She looks at me like she's in love with me.
    • Jake: Yes, hello sir, um...
    • Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
    • Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
    • Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.
    • Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
    • [to Grandma Baker]
    • Howard: He wants to leave a message for Sam.
    • Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
    • Jake: I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?
    • [talking on the phone with Samantha]
    • Randy: I was going to tell you something, but, maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.
    • Samantha: You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.
    • Randy: Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
    • [screams]
    • Samantha: Aaaaaaaahhh!
    • [Her grandparents downstairs are startled by the scream]
    • Howard: Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!
    • Grandpa Fred: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.
    • The Geek: Jake, is your dad a big man, or?
    • Jake: About 6'4".
    • The Geek: Very nice.
    • [repeated line to his friends]
    • The Geek: Take those ridiculous things off!
    • [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in]
    • The Geek: This, uh, your car, Jake?
    • Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.
    • The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.
    • Jake: So?
    • The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!
    • Jake: Then don't hit anything.
    • [incredulous]
    • The Geek: Ha ha! Don't hit anything.
    • [takes item from Caroline]
    • The Geek: Thank you.
    • [laughs drunkenly]
    • Caroline: Now we're both on the pill.
    • The Geek: What?
    • [spits it out]
    • The Geek: You gave me a birth control pill? Do you have any idea what that will do to a guy my age?
    • Samantha: This is the single worst day of my entire life!
    • Mike Baker: What the hell are you bitchin' about? I have to sleep under some Chinaman named after duck's dork.
    • Samantha: Well, where am I sleeping?
    • Mike Baker: Sofa City, Sweetheart.
    • [ring-ring, no one answers the phone... ]
    • [as he hangs up]
    • Jake: Ahh, eat me.
    • Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?
    • [shocked]
    • Dorothy Baker: Sex.
    • [to Sam and Long Duk Dong]
    • Dorothy Baker: Wait a minute. I have a wonderful idea! Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?
    • [attempting to help with breakfast by opening a box of doughnuts]
    • Grandma Helen: Whoops! Don't wanna use the nails.
    • [finally opening the box of doughnuts with a knife]
    • Grandma Helen: Voila! Breakfast is ready!
    • Samantha: May I be excused?
    • Grandma Helen: Where are you going?
    • Samantha: I have a dance to go to - at school. It's a very important dance... uh we're being graded on it, for Gym.
    • Samantha: Oh my God! What should I do? Should I go up to him and and should I say, "Hi Jake, I'm Samantha", or no, maybe I should let him come to me?
    • The Geek: This is not my department.
    • [Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]
    • Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.
    • Jake: You grabbed my nuts.
    • [looks through frosted glass on door]
    • Long Duk Dong: Is that you?
    • Jake: Yeah, that me.
    • [opens door]
    • Long Duk Dong: Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you my new - new-style American girlfriend.
    • Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?
    • Long Duk Dong: She not here.
    • Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?
    • Long Duk Dong: She got married.
    • Jake: What?
    • Long Duk Dong: Okay. I'm comin'.
    • Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
    • Jake: Married?
    • Long Duk Dong: Married.
    • Jake: Married?
    • Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married
    • [closes door]
    • [turns around, under breath to himself]
    • Jake: Married?
    • Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez.
    • [opens closet door]
    • Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. Okay.
    • [opens front door, screams and shuts door]
    • Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.I.B. I call police! Go away!
    • Jake: Open the door.
    • Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!
    • Jake: Open the door.
    • The Geek: Very nice! We're five minutes in... I'm at a loss.
    • Bryce: Real smooth, Cliff.
    • The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.
    • Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?
    • The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.
    • Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.
    • [to Randy]
    • Samantha: Ever since my twelfth, I've been looking forward to my sweet sixteen.
    • Samantha: Do I look any older?
    • Jim Baker: No, I wouldn't say so.
    • Samantha: I swear to God this has got be a joke.
    • [mouths from across the street]
    • Samantha: Me?
    • [flattered]
    • Samantha: Yeah, it's okay.
    • Jake: Do you have to go to reception now?
    • Samantha: I'm supposed to.
    • Jake: Can I call you later?
    • Samantha: Sure... I mean no.
    • Jake: No, I can't call you later?
    • Samantha: Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.
    • Jake: Oh. Great.
    • [walks Samantha to his Porsche]
    • Jake: Yeah, you.
    • [smiles and jogs across the street]
    • [both in unison]
    • JakeSamantha: Hi.
    • Jake: Hi.
    • Samantha: Hi. What are you doing here?
    • Jake: I heard you were here.
    • Samantha: You came here for me?
    • Jake: Is that okay?
    • [taking a look at the party's aftermath at his house]
    • Jake: What a disaster.
    • [Samantha and Randy are watching Caroline taking a shower in the locker room]
    • Samantha: It's unbelieveable. I swear to God Caroline Mumford had to flunk about nine grades.
    • Randy: Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her. Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.
    • Samantha: And she's going with Jake. Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.
    • [to herself in the mirror]
    • Samantha: Chronologically, you're sixteen today. Physically, you're still fifteen.
    • [sighs]
    • Samantha: Hopeless.
    • [while drunk]
    • Caroline: You're such a poop.
    • [At the dance, about to go to Jake's house]
    • Caroline: God, I love it when your parents are out of town. I fantasize that I'm your wife, and we're the richest, most popular adults in town. I owe all my great weekends to you.
    • Caroline: It's a fact, Jake.
    • [She pauses, upset that Jake isn't excited]
    • Caroline: What's your problem?
    • Jake: What?
    • Caroline: You've been acting weird all night. Are you screwing around?
    • Jake: Me? Are you crazy?
    • Caroline: I don't know, Jake. I'm getting strange signals.
    • Jake: Well, they're not comin' from me. Everything's fine. Don't have a cow.
    • Caroline: Okay. Just remember one thing. I can name a hundred guys who'd kill to love me.
    • Jake: Is that a threat?
    • Bryce: Ted, that's a Rolls-Royce.
    • [He sees Caroline passed out in the car]
    • Bryce: Ted, that's the prom queen. You got two girls in one night.
    • The Geek: I told you dudes I was hot.
    • Bryce: Hot? You're a legend!
    • Brenda Baker: Oh, Sam. Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday.
    • Mike Baker: What? Are you kidding? Where should I start?
    • Brenda Baker: I mean about her birthday. It was yesterday. We all forgot.
    • [laughing]
    • Mike Baker: Classic.
    • Brenda Baker: Deep down, he's really sorry.
    • [Together]
    • Brenda BakerSamantha: No, he's not.
    • Samantha: It's okay. I'll recover.
    • Brenda Baker: It's important to you. And yesterday morning, you were trying to tell me.
    • [Sniffling]
    • Samantha: It's okay, Mom. These things sometimes happen.
    • Brenda Baker: Oh, honey, I just feel miserable.
    • Samantha: You'll feel better.
    • Mike Baker: Who died?
    • Brenda Baker: Uh... Is there something you want to say to your sister?
    • [after they wake up in the Rolls Royce]
    • Caroline: I never went out with a freshman. Not even when I was a freshman.
    • [They start kissing, then Jake shows up]
    • The Geek: Me either.
    • Caroline: You were pretty crazy.
    • The Geek: I was?
    • Caroline: Yeah. You know what I like best?
    • The Geek: My clean, close shave?
    • [Background music: The clean, close shave]
    • Caroline: No. Waking up in your arms.
    • The Geek: These things?
    • Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
    • The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.
    • [Randy laughs as does Jimmy and Samantha sitting nearby]
    • The Geek: So? Shoot. Out with it.
    • [hard and firm tone]
    • Randy: Get the hell out of here!
    • The Geek: Hey! Nice manners, babe!
    • Jimmy Montrose: She's totally serious, asswipe!
    • The Geek: Chill.
    • Samantha: I look exactly the same as I have since Summer: utterly forgettable.
    • Samantha: I didn't expect to wake up transformed. I just thought that turning 16 would be so major that I'd wake up with an improved mental state that would show in my face. All it shows is I don't have any sort of a tan left.
    • [to herself in the mirror]
    • Samantha: You need four inches of bod and a great birthday.
    • [to Sam]
    • Brenda Baker: I'm sorry, you'll have to buy lunch today. I didn't have time to fix your carrots.
    • Mike Baker: Yeah, well she's only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts!
    • Randy: I'm sure they didn't forget your birthday. They just didn't remember it right away.
    • Samantha: Since I was about 12 I've been looking forward to my sweet 16, you know, a big party and a band with...
    • RandySamantha: tons of people.
    • Randy: And a big Trans Am in the driveway with a ribbon around it. And some incredible gorgeous guy that you meet like in France. And you do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.
    • Samantha: I don't need a cloud.
    • Randy: Just a pink dress and the guy, right?
    • Samantha: A black one.
    • Randy: A black guy?
    • Samantha: A black Trans Am, a pink guy.
    • Jake: Do you Samantha Baker?
    • Rock: Sophomore, right?
    • Jake: Yeah, what do you think of her?
    • Rock: I don't.
    • Rock: Jake, she's a child.
    • Jake: So?
    • Rock: So, what are you gonna do with her? She's obviously too young for party serious.
    • Grandpa Fred: Well, well, if it isn't Sammy Baker Davis, Junior!
    • Samantha: Hello, Grandpa.
    • Grandpa Fred: Oh, I've got one for you. Knock. Knock.
    • Samantha: Who's there?
    • Grandpa Fred: Who.
    • Samantha: Who who?
    • Grandpa Fred: Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall!
    • [Grandpa Fred starts tickling Sam]
    • Grandma Helen: Oh, Fred, leave her alone. You'll make her tinkle.
    • Randy: Let's go make ourselves available.
    • The Geek: That's the one, dude. Scope it out.
    • Cliff: She doesn't look like a Freshman.
    • The Geek: Sophomore, dude! Sophomore! Fully aged Sophomore meat.
    • Cliff: I'll bet you a dozen floppy disks, you don't even get a tit.
    • The Geek: You got a bet, scumbag! I'll get it all.
    • Jake: What do you know about her?
    • The Geek: She has smallish tits, decent voice, smells pretty good. She drives me - crazy.
    • The Geek: Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets?
    • Samantha: Don't gross me out.
    • Samantha: I meant that it's okay that you did it once; but, I didn't mean for you to do it again!
    • The Geek: Would it be totally off the wall if I asked if I could have sex with you?
    • Samantha: You asking me is not as off the wall as to why I won't.
    • Lumberjack: I've never been out with a boy before.
    • Long Duk Dong: No. Me neither.
    • [after taking 4 muscle relaxers]
    • Ginny: Wow! Do I feel *funky*!
    • Jim Baker: I can't believe it. Ginny's not in the shower.
    • [standing in front of the bathroom door]
    • Mike Baker: I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Grandpa Fred was in there for a half an hour. It's totally polluted.
    • Jim Baker: Get dressed.
    • [as Jim enters the bathroom and closes the door]
    • Mike Baker: It's your nose.
    • [there is a short pause of a few seconds and then Jim walks out of the bathroom clearly repulsed by the stench emitting from it]
    • Mike Baker: They never listen.
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