Dogma Movie Poster

Quotes from Dogma

Showing all 115 items
    • Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
    • [he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]
    • Bartleby: Wings, now.
    • Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here...
    • Bartleby: DO IT!
    • Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucken pube-less asses!
    • Bartleby: "I do believe in this." What does that mean?
    • Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
    • Metatron: Wax on, wax off.
    • Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
    • Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
    • Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
    • Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
    • Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
    • Bethany: What's the fine print?
    • [mumbling into glass]
    • Metatron: Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
    • Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
    • Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
    • Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!
    • Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
    • Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.
    • [Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blessed golf-club - his chest shatters, revealing black ooze]
    • Azrael: But I'm a fuckin' demon.
    • Bethany: What's he like?
    • Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
    • Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
    • Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
    • Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
    • Bethany: What, more angels?
    • Metatron: Prophets. in a manner of speaking... two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well... doesn't speak. He's the quiet type
    • Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
    • Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
    • Jay: I can't wait to die.
    • Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I can take anyone I meet and give a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself.
    • Bethany: Huh.
    • Serendipity: Her quirky sense of humor.
    • [after throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a la Indiana Jones]
    • Silent Bob: No ticket.
    • Metatron: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
    • Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
    • Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats G-d as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
    • [Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
    • Bethany: I want to go with you.
    • Jay: What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
    • [Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
    • Bethany: What gear are you in?
    • Jay: "Gear"?
    • Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up.
    • Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
    • Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
    • Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.
    • [Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club]
    • Bethany: What are you doing?
    • Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.
    • Bethany: What?
    • Rufus: Long story, forget it.
    • [Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out]
    • Jay: Like I ever drove before...
    • Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
    • Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?
    • Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.
    • Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.
    • Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
    • Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
    • Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
    • Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
    • Liz: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
    • Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
    • Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
    • Bethany: I think that God is dead.
    • Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.
    • [while Loki is laying waste to the Mooby board room, Bartelby is sitting in the lounge reading "Mooby Magazine"]
    • Bartleby: I cant believe we forgot about the magazine.
    • [to the female Mooby employee after shooting the board members]
    • Loki: Gum? Oh these guys, they were fakes You're a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about.
    • [holds his gun up]
    • Loki: But you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
    • [yelling off camera]
    • Bartleby: LOKI!
    • Loki: You're getting off light!
    • Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
    • Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.
    • Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
    • Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.
    • Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except...
    • Jay: That you offer us sex as a reward.
    • Loki: I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away.
    • Loki: Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God.
    • Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
    • Bartleby: Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
    • [On Christ]
    • Rufus: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.
    • Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
    • Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.
    • Metatron: You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God.
    • Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
    • Bethany Sloane: Constitutionals?
    • Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
    • Rufus: So what do we do now?
    • Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.
    • Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.
    • Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
    • Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
    • Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.
    • Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
    • Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Now come on, kids, playtime with the Cardinal is over.
    • Rufus: Worked for Moses.
    • Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
    • Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
    • Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
    • Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
    • Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.
    • Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
    • Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
    • [Bartleby and Loki slaughter parishioners outside a church]
    • Loki: You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off.
    • Azrael: Now if I remember my protocol correctly, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion - which leaves us no other recourse than to eliminate her before she enters the fray. I need you three to shuffle her loose the mortal coil,
    • Bethany: Stall Bartleby from going into that church.
    • Jay: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
    • Bethany: Think of something.
    • Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us.
    • [after meeting God]
    • Jay: You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.
    • [last lines]
    • [after the cast and crew credits]
    • Jay: So... does that mean Bethany's... part black?
    • Azrael: Quit killing people, that's high profile.
    • Loki: Oh, lighten up.
    • Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.
    • Bethany: What are you?
    • Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
    • [to the Stygian triplets]
    • Jay: Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks.
    • [to Bethany]
    • Rufus: The man was right about you. And I am going to go home and tell him so.
    • [to Jay And Silent Bob]
    • Rufus: And if you clean up your language, I JUST might put in a good word for you too.
    • Silent Bob: Thanks.
    • [Bethany meets Serendipity]
    • Bethany: Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
    • Rufus: This girl's no woman.
    • [to Serendipity]
    • Rufus: No offense.
    • Bethany: Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
    • [hugs her breasts]
    • Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman.
    • Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherfucker's got tits,
    • [to Loki]
    • Bartleby: Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.
    • [first lines]
    • Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW, Cardinal Glick.
    • Cardinal Glick: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies... He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW. " campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ...
    • Bartleby: Hello, we'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.
    • Bus Station Attendant: Jersey's sold out, sir.
    • Loki: What?
    • Bus Station Attendant: There's one at the same time tomorrow. I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.
    • Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.
    • Bethany: I'll keep that in mind.
    • Loki: All lines are currently down.
    • [about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic]
    • Liz: You're Catholic, can't you talk to them?
    • Bethany: They hate me more than you. At least you have an excuse, you're Jewish, you don't know any better.
    • Liz: I don't think they'd accept that one, we used that one already when we killed Christ.
    • [to the female board member]
    • Loki: You're a pure soul... but you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
    • [raises his gun to the female board member's head]
    • Bartleby: Loki!
    • [angrily]
    • Loki: You're getting off light.
    • [as he leaves the board room]
    • Loki: You're so lucky.
    • Rufus: Why? 'Cause I'm a black man.
    • Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
    • Jay: No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj.
    • Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.
    • [after Rufus has fallen from the sky]
    • Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it?
    • Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, you understand
    • Bethany Sloane: Why are we here?
    • [pokes Bethany's nose]
    • God: Nweep.
    • Hospital P. A.: I repeat, this is not a drill. This is the apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you.
    • Metatron: It never ends.
    • Metatron: Behold the Metatron. Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.
    • Loki: Consequences schmonsequences.
    • Rufus: Are we too late?
    • Serendipity: To save these poor schmucks?... Yeah.
    • Jay: I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew.
    • Bartleby: I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic.
    • Jay: Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? Count the shells Sucker Duck!
    • [proceeds to shoot off Bartelby's wings with an MAC-11]
    • Jay: Snoogans.
    • Loki: So, Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him.
    • Loki: Do you know about voodoo? No real doctrin of faith to speak of , more an arrangement of superstitions.
    • Bethany: So you... what? Inspire people?
    • Serendipity: What just went down with your friends over there? It doesn't really take a Muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
    • [the Stygian Triplets close in on Bethany]
    • Jay: Snootch to the motherfuckin' nootch!
    • [Jay and Silent Bob kick the Triplets' asses]
    • Loki: Whose house? Run's house! I said whose house? Run's house! who's house say what run's house say what Martin! Martin!
    • Loki: I forgot my little voodoo doll.
    • [looks at Whitland]
    • Loki: Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...
    • [pauses, then crushes voodoo doll of Whitland, who is terrified but unharmed]
    • [laughs]
    • Loki: I don't believe in voodoo.
    • [leaves]
    • [re-enters with a gun]
    • Loki: But I do believe in this.
    • [shoots Whitland]
    • Jay: I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a great one!
    • Bethany: But you'll be destroyed too.
    • Azrael: Human, have you ever been to hell? I'd rather not exist than endure that expirence a secound longer, and if I have to drag down everyone else with me... so be it.
    • Bethany: So this is all about revenge.
    • Azrael: After the first couple million years, escape from hell became my all consuming reason
    • Bethany: Well, I am the last Scion.
    • Metatron: Actually, you WERE the last Scion. Now this
    • [puts his hand on Bethany's stomach]
    • Metatron: is the last Scion.
    • Bethany: You mean, I'm pregnant?
    • Priest: Well, now please rise for the recession of faith.
    • [to herself looking at the sky]
    • Bethany: You gotta be kidding me.
    • Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.
    • Jay: Well, I'll take head.
    • Jay: What about sex?
    • Bethany: No sex.
    • [about the bible]
    • Rufus: I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
    • Rufus: I thought she looked familiar.
    • Bethany: Who?
    • Rufus: Serendipity.
    • [to Bethany]
    • Rufus: Let me give you a little inside information about God
    • [to Silent Bob]
    • Rufus: Biggey! The door! The door!
    • [to the parishioners]
    • Bartleby: Prepare to taste God's wrath.
    • [to Officer McGee]
    • Bartleby: Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
    • [about Bartleby]
    • Loki: He just lost it.
    • Rufus: Poopytrim.
    • [to Bartleby]
    • Loki: Who makes out with their wife?
    • Jay: His piece will be rubbing inside of your armor!
    • Rufus: You know death is a worry of the living. The dead like myself only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
    • Bartleby: Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?
    • Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession.
    • Jay: Sonny, let me make a deal wit ya.
    • [cf Mallrats]
    • Azrael: One side, red.
    • Metatron: Ohhh, Bartleby. Was Wisconsin really *that* bad?
    • [after some time]
    • Jay: Hahaha, Holy Bartender! I get it! That's a great one.
    • Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
    • Metatron: Going out in style.
    • Rufus: The Voice!
    • [mocking surprise]
    • Metatron: The apostle.
    • Bartleby: Do I come off as gay?
    • Jay: We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
    • Bethany: What did you say?
    • Jay: 'Makin' with the love.' It's a nice way of saying boning.
Movie details provided by