Bye Bye Birdie Movie Poster

Quotes from Bye Bye Birdie

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    • Harry McAfee: The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!
    • Doris McAfee: Randolph, your father's warned you. If you make another bomb, you'll get spanked.
    • Harry McAfee: No matter how many millions I make selling Speed-Up, I'll still be the same humble, lovable guy I always was. And if any of those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em.
    • Harry McAfee: Nice? Heh HEH! I know that show business crowd - probably living in sin.
    • Rose DeLeon: I must be the prized dope of all-time... thinking I could pry you away from your mama's ever-lovin' tentacles.
    • [singing]
    • Albert Peterson: Oh one last kiss... there never was such bliss... I love your dentifrice!
    • Rose DeLeon: Well we could sure use the money. Any day now we'll have another mouth to feed.
    • Ed Sullivan: Rosie, you're not even married.
    • Rose DeLeon: His mother!
    • Mae Peterson: Goodbye, Rosie.
    • Rose DeLeon: Goodbye, Mae.
    • Mae Peterson: Call me Mrs. Peterson.
    • Randolph MacAfee: I respect ya, Papa!
    • Harry McAfee: I don't want your respect! Who wants respect from a ten-year-old kid?
    • Kim McAfee: Harry, do you have a cigarette? I've run out.
    • Harry McAfee: So have I, how 'bout my pipe?
    • [singing]
    • Rose DeLeon: Everything is Rosie... cha-cha-cha! 'Cause my name is Rosie... si si si!
    • Doris McAfee: You know these adolescents! Kim'll lose face!
    • Harry McAfee: And if I don't get him out that's not all she'll...
    • Borov: And for you, I will not go too fast.
    • Rose DeLeon: We shall see!
    • [singing]
    • Mae Peterson: Kids! Never once appreciate how I sacrificed. Working, slaving, scrimping, saving pennies... and livin' with your father!
    • Mae Peterson: Now, don't try to pay me back, son. I forgive you. So what if you're an ingrate? So long as you're happy.
    • Albert Peterson: I don't wanna be happy!
    • [Birdie opens a can of beer, which sprays on Mr. McAfee]
    • Harry McAfee: That's my favorite brand.
    • Ballet manager: Save your life? Me? My friend, if you are sick, see a doctor.
    • Albert Peterson: "If you are sick, see a doctor." You speak English?
    • Ballet manager: Saves time.
    • Ballet manager: Who sent you here, Senator Goldwater?
    • [after Kim has dyed her hair]
    • Harry McAfee: You dare defy your mother?
    • Kim McAfee: Well, it's my hair.
    • Harry McAfee: Not till you're 21!
    • Ballet manager: This ballet has historic significance. It was performed the same day as the funeral of the Tzar. Lenin himself made the arrangement.
    • Albert Peterson: Lenin arranged music?
    • Ballet manager: No, funerals.
    • [singing]
    • Hugo Peabody: You don't know how to live? You'd get pinned if you could!
    • Mae Peterson: I got maybe one-tenth a normal heart.
    • Mae Peterson: Could you move over one, please...?
    • Doris McAfee: Tell me, Mrs. Peterson, what does your husband do?
    • Mae Peterson: I don't know, he's dead.
    • [after Albert hears his mother calling him]
    • Rose DeLeon: Boy meets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets mother. Yeesh!
    • [first lines]
    • John Daly: This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit in front of the nation's Capitol bringing you special on the spot coverage of our current teenage crisis over the drafting of Conrad Birdie. Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon. And for those few music lovers who have never attended one of his concerts, here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise.
    • [brief satirically humorous montage of female teenage fans swooning over Conrad Birdie]
    • John Daly: And that, that is our army's newest weapon. Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days; his income drops from two million dollars a year to seventy-eight dollars a month. It could only happen in America.
    • [singing]
    • protesting female teenage crowd in front of the Capitol: We love you Conrad, oh yes we do / We love you Conrad, and we'll be true / When you're not near us, we're blue / Oh Conrad, we love you
    • [repeats]
    • [singing]
    • Kim McAfee: Bye bye Birdie / I'm gonna miss ya so / Bye bye Birdie / Why'd ya have to go? / No more sunshine / It's followed you away / I'll cry 'Birdie' / Till you're home to stay / I'll miss the way you smile, as though it's just for me / and each and every night, I'll write you faithfully / Bye bye Birdie / It's awful hard to bare / Bye bye Birdie / Yes I'll always care / Yes I'll always care / Yes I'll always care
    • Mr. Nebbitt: Confidentially, you're a fiscal fiasco.
    • Mr. Nebbitt: Confidentially, I respect my mother; but, I do what I want.
    • Ed Sullivan: What's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you?
    • Rose DeLeon: Well, let's face it, I'm a scheming woman. I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out! If you buy it, I want a little favor.
    • Ed Sullivan: Alright, let's try it out for size.
    • Rose DeLeon: How'd you like a terrific build up before the show that'll have every TV set tuned into you next Sunday?
    • Bob Precht: We will have. After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie.
    • Rose DeLeon: This is bigger.
    • Ed Sullivan: Bigger?
    • Rose DeLeon: Before Conrad Birdie goes in the Army, he bestows a farewell kiss on all the swooning girls that worship him - on your TV show!
    • Rose DeLeon: I'm about to make some gaga little goof a queen.
    • Rose DeLeon: Oh, Marge, it's amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her.
    • Marge - Birdie's Secretary: You mean you doped Albert's mother?
    • Rose DeLeon: No. But, if this doesn't work, that's my next move.
    • Kim McAfee: And now I'm alive! Fulfilled. Now I know what it means to be a woman.
    • Ursula: It should only happen to me. Kim, where did he pin you?
    • Kim McAfee: On the backseat. Oh, bless that lovely yellow school bus.
    • Albert Peterson: You owe me nothing, even though you were molded by me.
    • Rose DeLeon: Molded?
    • Albert Peterson: Yeah. Like Eliza Doolittle got molded from Pygmalion.
    • Rose DeLeon: I was molded?
    • Albert Peterson: What were you when I found you anyway? Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop.
    • Albert Peterson: Suicide is for cowards. I don't desert the woman I love.
    • Rose DeLeon: Oh, Albert, I'm sorry. I should have known.
    • Albert Peterson: Mama would never get over it.
    • Rose DeLeon: Mama?
    • Rose DeLeon: I was living in fantasy, telling myself you were serious.
    • Albert Peterson: Oh, Rosie, I was. I am! In here. I've thought and thought about marrying you every day, a lot of nights too.
    • Rose DeLeon: I've spent six years on Project Albert.
    • Albert Peterson: I don't care what Sullivan pays you. No woman is supporting Albert Peterson.
    • Rose DeLeon: Oh, you're not listening, darling.
    • Albert Peterson: I am not a gigolo!
    • Albert Peterson: I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi.
    • Mae Peterson: Taxis? Taxis are for my successful son. A dirty crowded subway is good enough for a mother. Mother's nothin' nowadays. Who's that?
    • Albert Peterson: Mommy, you know Rose DeLeon. And guess what?
    • Mae Peterson: This is that - pretty Rose DeLeon? Oh, I don't believe it. Rose, what happened to ya? You had a fatal sickness or somethin'?
    • Rose DeLeon: It's nice to see you again.
    • [to Albert]
    • Mae Peterson: Wear your rubbers.
    • [singing]
    • Kim McAfee: Hallelujah, you are 16, and the braces disappear, And your skin is smooth and clear, And you have that happy grown-up, Female feeling. How lovely to be a woman, The wait was well worthwhile, How lovely to wear mascara, And smile a woman's smile, How lovely to have a figure, That's round instead of flat! Whenever you hear boys whistle, You're what they're whistling at. It's wonderful to feel, The way a woman feels, It gives you such a glow, just to know, You're wearing lipstick and heels, How lovely to be a woman...
    • Kim McAfee: Times are changing. You go along or else you're out of it.
    • Kim McAfee: Doris? - Mother. - Mommy! - Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! Conrad Birdie's coming over to kiss me!
    • Doris McAfee: Oh, isn't that nice.
    • Kim McAfee: You don't understand! Conrad Birdie's coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me! Oh, Mommy! Oh! Oh! Oh!
    • Doris McAfee: I never thought I'd say it, but - God bless Conrad Birdie!
    • Ursula: Before you hear from the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your final kiss upon, we will now recite the Conrad Birdie pledge.
    • Girls of Sweet AppleKim McAfeeUrsula: I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise, to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true, to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America, both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Yeah!
    • [singing]
    • Conrad Birdie: Write this down now, You gotta be sincere, Honestly sincere, Man, you've gotta be, Sincere, If you're really sincere, If you're really sincere, If you feel it in here, Then it's gotta be right, Oh, baby, Oh, honey, Hug me, Ah, suffer...
    • Harry McAfee: You kids go home before I sick the constable on ya! Go on! Get that carnival off my front lawn! I'll show them who's boss. Harry McAfee's not going to be pushed around by any roll-n-rocker!
    • Harry McAfee: I've changed my mind. My daughter is not going to be publicly kissed by that - that wiggler!
    • Harry McAfee: Now, hear this. I have decided that bunch of grafters is getting out of here! That is the unshakable decree that I have made as head of this household. So you go upstairs and tell them.
    • Doris McAfee: Me? How can I tell Mr. Peterson and that nice Miss DeLeon?
    • Harry McAfee: Nice? I know that show business crowd - probably living in sin.
    • Doris McAfee: Harry Lionel McAfee!
    • Harry McAfee: I never told you, but one summer I worked with the circus. Oh, those midgets, wild!
    • Harry McAfee: Me? On Ed Sullivan?
    • [singing]
    • Doris McAfeeHarry McAfee: Ed. Ed Sullivan.
    • Doris McAfeeHarry McAfeeKim McAfee: Ed. Ed Sullivan.
    • Randolph MacAfee: Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan.
    • Doris McAfeeHarry McAfeeKim McAfeeRandolph MacAfee: Ed. Ed. Sull. Sull. Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan. We're gonna be on, Ed Sullivan.
    • Doris McAfeeKim McAfee: How could any family be, Have as fortunate as we.
    • Doris McAfeeHarry McAfeeKim McAfeeRandolph MacAfee: We'll be coast to coast, With out favorite host, Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan!
    • [speaking]
    • Harry McAfee: I've got a wonderful wife, two swell kids, a good business, and now this.
    • [singing]
    • Doris McAfeeHarry McAfeeKim McAfeeRandolph MacAfee: Someday we'll recall, The greatest day of all!
    • [speaking]
    • Harry McAfee: Ed, I love you.
    • [singing]
    • Doris McAfeeHarry McAfeeKim McAfeeRandolph MacAfee: Ed Sullivan!
    • Doris McAfee: Oh, I'd die! What would I wear?
    • Harry McAfee: Gee, Ed Sullivan. He's my favorite human. That's why I decided to let Kim go on in the first place. Me? On the Ed Sullivan Show?
    • [singing]
    • Harry McAfee: Ed Sullivan.
    • [speaking]
    • Harry McAfee: Me, Harry McAfee appearing with
    • [singing]
    • Harry McAfee: Ed Sullivan.
    • Ursula: Kim! Where is he? Can I see him?
    • Kim McAfee: Conrad's asleep, poor dear. You may peek through his keyhole whi - while I discuss this tempest in a tea bag with Hugo.
    • [singing]
    • Kim McAfee: One boy, One certain boy, One boy to laugh with, To joke with, have Coke with...
    • [singing]
    • Hugo Peabody: One boy, One steady boy, One boy to be with, Forever and ever, One boy, That's the way it should be...
    • Conrad Birdie: You're from nowherelike!
    • Albert Peterson: Mama, where have you been?
    • Mae Peterson: Neglected! That's where I've been.
    • Mae Peterson: Albert, go! Desert me.
    • [to Harry McAfee]
    • Mae Peterson: But, when I was expecting him in the maternity ward, three days I waited, did I desert him? No. I stayed right there so he wouldn't be alone when he was born.
    • Kim McAfee: How do you like it? Isn't it exciting?
    • Doris McAfee: No! No! No! I told you not to dye your hair!
    • Kim McAfee: Oh, but I wanted to! Isn't it a gas?
    • Harry McAfee: You dare defy your mother?
    • Kim McAfee: But it's my hair.
    • Harry McAfee: Not till you're 21.
    • Rose DeLeon: You really are a wonderful dancer.
    • Claude Paisley: Oh, I don't know. When one's heart sings, one's feet takes wings.
    • Rose DeLeon: Oh, how lyrical. Is that Shelley or Keats?
    • Claude Paisley: That, my dear, is Paisley.
    • Albert Peterson: The Russians! First they take Czechoslovakia, and now they take my four minutes.
    • [singing]
    • Conrad Birdie: There are chicks just ripe, for some kissin', And I mean to kiss me a few, Man, those chicks don't know, what they're missin', I got a lot of livin' to do...
    • [singing]
    • Conrad Birdie: Life's a ball, If only you know it, And it's all, just waitin' for you...
    • [singing]
    • Kim McAfee: I'm a-gonna have fun, Gonna be wild, Have my own way, I may break, A heart a day, Drink champagne, As if it were water...
    • [singing]
    • Hugo Peabody: I'm gonna break out, Gonna take off, Gonna be free, This town is awfully square for a cat like me...
    • Harry McAfee: If Eisenhower couldn't handle the Russians, how is Albert gonna talk to them?
    • [toast]
    • Ballet manager: Zazdarovje Jack Kennedy.
    • Albert Peterson: Oh, Long live Joseph Stalin.
    • Ballet manager: Oh?
    • Albert Peterson: I mean, Stalin - Stalin lived too long. Long live Khrushchev.
    • Rose DeLeon: Faithless men like Albert and Hugo, they're all alike - from puberty to stupidity - from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini. Men. We laugh at them, right?
    • Rose DeLeon: Men. They're only out to use us, Kim.
    • Kim McAfee: I know. Hugo's used me since we were freshman.
    • Rose DeLeon: All those years I wasted on Albert. Rosie the dependable one, Rosie the patient one. Rosie the good girl. I know it sounds old-tashioned, but I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm still a good girl.
    • Kim McAfee: Rose?
    • Rose DeLeon: Hmm?
    • Kim McAfee: So am I.
    • Rose DeLeon: No kidding?
    • Harry McAfee: I'd go in there with ya if I weren't a happy family man and not allowed to enjoy myself.
    • Rose DeLeon: Okay, buster. Set 'em up! Double scotch and gin on the side and, uh, a bourbon chaser. Make that a triple chaser, and bring on the dancing boys!
    • Lodge Member: Valuable goods contributed: two milk cows, live, eighty lugs of fresh fruit, forty-five young cumquat trees, one ton of fertilizer...
    • Ed Sullivan: Boys, those are really showstoppers. Frank, Dean and Sammy, come on out here and take a bow.
    • Borov: Oh, won't you, please, maestro? To improve our relations?
    • Borov: You are pretty enough to be un-American.
    • Ed Sullivan: Thank you, Moscow Ballet, for that brilliant and unexpected bit of burlesque. And now, another great treat: Conrad Birdie. Yee-hoo!
    • Mae Peterson: Niagara Falls is wet; so, take along your rubbers!
    • Harry McAfee: I promise you one thing, Snookums. No matter how many millions I make sellin' "Speed Up", I'll still be the same, humble, lovable guy. And if any of those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em.
    • [singing]
    • Albert Peterson: Hand in hand, we'll mosey, Me and little Rosie...
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