Welcome to the Rileys Movie Poster

Quotes from Welcome to the Rileys

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    • [on phone]
    • Lois Riley: How's New Orleans?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm sorry.
    • [Lois hangs up on Doug]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Listen I think I'm going to stay here for a while. I can't come home right now.
    • Lois Riley: What are you talking about?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I don't know. I just know that I can't come home right now. I know I'm not dead yet. Alright?
    • [crying]
    • Lois Riley: Doug. I'm not mad about Vivian.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What?
    • Lois Riley: A year or two ago I found a name tag in the pocket of your windbreaker. It's not like I had no idea what was going on. And I know I haven't been.
    • [pauses]
    • Lois Riley: Oh Lord.
    • [approaches Mallory]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Excuse me. I'm not a cop. I'm from Indianapolis, Indiana and I run a wholesale plumbing supply business. I'm here for a convention.
    • [hands her a business card]
    • Mallory: Okay, I'm sorry about that. I just got cops on the brain, you know? I can't help it. They've been snooping around the club and they towed my car for unpaid parking tickets.
    • Mallory: Don't be mad at me. I don't like being told what to do. I can't help it. And I'll lay off the curse words. I will I promise, okay?
    • [yells]
    • Mallory: Goddamn it Doug! Please don't be mad at me!
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not mad at you.
    • Mallory: You're acting like you're mad at me.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No I'm not acting like I'm mad at you. Sit down. Take it easy. Come here.
    • [pulls Mallory a seat closer]
    • Mallory: Just don't be mad at me.
    • Mallory: Hey you know me and Doug, we don't fool around or anything like that. I'm just saying I mean nothing like that.
    • Lois Riley: I believe you.
    • Mallory: Because, I mean, he's completely old school. It's crazy.
    • Lois Riley: I believe you.
    • [helping Mallory out of the shower]
    • Lois Riley: You have a pair of clean white cotton undies?
    • Mallory: No.
    • Lois Riley: Well, you don't need to wear any. We'll just put you in a clean nightgown.
    • [crying]
    • Mallory: I don't have a nightgown.
    • Lois Riley: You can borrow one of mine.
    • [to Lois]
    • Mallory: Bet you were a good mom.
    • Mallory: You have any kids?
    • Lois Riley: Yes. It does.
    • Lois Riley: We had a daughter. She died in a car accident.
    • Mallory: My mom died in a car accident. I was in the car accident as well.
    • Lois Riley: How old were you?
    • Mallory: Four or five. I don't, I don't remember it. Which is good. It would be kind of fucked up to remember that. What was your daughter's name?
    • Lois Riley: Emily. Emily Eugenia Riley.
    • Mallory: How old was she?
    • [fighting tears]
    • Lois Riley: Fifteen.
    • Mallory: That sucks.
    • [to Mallory]
    • Lois Riley: Your mother must have been very pretty.
    • Lois Riley: I went after her. I didn't tell that part about how Emily died.
    • Mallory: Hey, it's not your fault. That's not your fault. Just like my mom getting in a car accident is not my fault.
    • Mallory: Tell me what?
    • Lois Riley: I was awake that night. Doug was at his poker game, I always stay up until he gets home. I heard something, went to the window, and saw Emily get into her boyfriend's car. So I put on some clothes and got into my car and went looking for them.
    • Mallory: Did you find them?
    • [nods]
    • Lois Riley: Parked in a shopping center not far from our house.
    • Mallory: I'm sure they were really happy to see you.
    • Lois Riley: He took off. I tried to catch up but I couldn't. He was driving so fast. Lost them for a little while and then.
    • [interrupts]
    • Mallory: They crashed the car?
    • Lois Riley: Ran a stop sign and hit a truck broadside. By the time I got there everything was on fire. Couldn't get to them. Wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone after her.
    • Mallory: What's your problem?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I guess I'm just not used to being around young women who talk about their private parts.
    • [laughs]
    • Mallory: Like hello! Like I have private parts.
    • [answers phone]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Hello?
    • Mallory: Thanks for the cash that you left me. And the bag too. It's really getting a lot of use.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You're welcome. We're here, you know, anytime.
    • Mallory: Will you tell Lois I'm sorry?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: For what?
    • Mallory: Well, you know. Just about getting all up in her face like that.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Alright, I will.
    • Mallory: And don't be mad at me?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not mad at you. Not at all. I miss you. If that means anything to you.
    • Mallory: I miss you too. So Lois isn't gonna mind if I call you every once in a while, right?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No, no absolutely not. And Lois wouldn't mind hearing from you either, you know, if you ever need female advice or whatever. She thinks you're smart. Too smart to be doing what you're doing.
    • Mallory: Hey.
    • Mallory: Okay.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Where are you?
    • Mallory: Uh, Houston. But I'm cutting out and heading to Vegas.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Are you okay?
    • Mallory: Yeah, I'm fine. Don't sweat it.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well I do sweat it. I can't help it. It's been two weeks.
    • Mallory: Yeah I know. I was gonna call, I just.
    • [pauses]
    • Lois Riley: She's not Emily.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I know that.
    • Lois Riley: Mind picking up my mail and newspaper while Doug is gone?
    • Harriet: Why can't your neighbor across the street do it?
    • Lois Riley: She moved.
    • Harriet: And all your other neighbors?
    • Lois Riley: Just until Doug gets back.
    • Harriet: Okay. I have to drive over here all the way from Zionsville every day because my nutcase sister can't walk down her own damn driveway. Lois? Somehow, someway, and someday you're just gonna have to walk out that door.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Try to stay out of trouble.
    • Mallory: Yeah. I quit smoking!
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Really? Good for you. Me too!
    • Mallory: Really? Well, maybe there is some hope for us.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Maybe so. Maybe so. You never know.
    • Mallory: You never know.
    • [chasing Lois]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Lois, hold up.
    • Lois Riley: No, no, no, this is a nightmare.
    • Lois Riley: No!
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Hold up, Lois!
    • Lois Riley: No! You're crazy!
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Alright, calm down.
    • Lois Riley: This is insane. She's just a child!
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She is a 16-year old runaway from Florida, okay?
    • Lois Riley: What do you think you are doing?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I don't know. That's what I'm trying to tell you, okay?
    • [to Lois]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Come on inside.
    • Lois Riley: The person you want me to meet lives in here?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Her name is Mallory. Now, her real name is Allison. She's got a lot of names because she works in a strip club.
    • Lois Riley: She's a stripper?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You'll understand once you meet her.
    • Lois Riley: Understand what? That you've lost your mind? Jesus, Doug.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not here for the fun part.
    • Mallory: Oh. Well, hand jobs are $50 and I can do oral but it's $100 and you'd need a rubber.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No, thank you.
    • Mallory: I get $60 out of the $250 you gave the guy at the bar. You're not gonna tip me nothing?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Here, this make it worth your while?
    • [hands her $100]
    • Mallory: Wow! Thanks, Doug.
    • Mallory: I really, really like older guys. They get me really wet.
    • Mallory: Just trying to keep the customers happy.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm happy.
    • Mallory: You don't look very happy.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Sweetheart, just sit still.
    • [pushes Mallory off him]
    • Mallory: You don't wanna have any fun?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: How about we just talk?
    • Mallory: You want me to talk dirty so you can get yourself off?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Jesus Christ, no. No, okay?
    • Mallory: Well, alright. You don't have to get mad at me. It's fine.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not mad at you. Just persistent that's all.
    • Bondsman: You wanna know what she did?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Yeah.
    • Bondsman: She had an altercation with an unsatisfied customer. He's dropped the charges and they've shaved down the resisting arrest to disorderly conduct so everyone gets off cheap.
    • [Doug pays Mallory's bail]
    • Bondsman: Here's your receipt and my card. You're free to go.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Thank you.
    • Lois Riley: You're gonna sit out here all night?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Just smoking a cigarette.
    • Lois Riley: I wish you wouldn't smoke in the house.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well I'm not in the house. I'm in the garage.
    • Lois Riley: When you open the door all the smoke comes inside.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Then close the door, Lois.
    • Lois Riley: What are you doing home so early?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: That headstone. You got us at Gold Hill? That's a unique experience. Seeing your name carved on a piece of granite.
    • Lois Riley: How do you mean?
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What I mean? I'm not dead. And you're not dead. There's enough people out there that are dead. They need headstones. We don't cause we're not dead.
    • Lois Riley: A lot of people do this, Doug. It's called pre-planning.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well I don't like having my name carved on a tombstone while I'm still alive. I can't believe you did that, Lois.
    • Tara: You leaving?
    • Tara: Alright.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Tell her, uh.
    • [pauses]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She's got my number.
    • Tara: Okay. You take care.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Yeah. You, uh, you seen Mallory?
    • Tara: No, I ain't seen her.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She got arrested last night.
    • Tara: Yeah, I know. I was there. We got raided. They shut us down.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I bailed her out, but she ran off.
    • Tara: I haven't seen her. I don't know where she went.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Give this to her for me?
    • [hands Tara money]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I got this convention to go to in New Orleans at the end of the month. Why don't you come along?
    • Vivian: Don't do that.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What?
    • Vivian: Be unpredictable.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Come on, we'll have fun. Just the two of us. Why not? I mean it.
    • Vivian: I don't even have a suitcase.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'll buy you a suitcase.
    • [written inside birthday card]
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: To Viv, from the "waffle man." Happy birthday, xo.
    • [waking Doug up]
    • Lois Riley: Doug, honey? Wake up! Doug, I need you to go to the drug store.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You alright?
    • Lois Riley: I'm fine. It's Allison.
    • Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What's wrong with her?
    • Lois Riley: Just female trouble. Come on, get up.
    • Lois Riley: Your mother must have been very pretty.
    • Mallory: Yeah. She had bigger tits than me. I got my dad's tits. I don't know what happened.
    • [laughing]
    • Lois Riley: I got my dad's too!
    • [to Doug]
    • Lois Riley: You can leave me if you have to, but I will never leave you.
    • Mallory: Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up.
    • Lois Riley: What's a po'boy?
    • Mallory: It's like a sandwich.
    • Lois Riley: Oh. Alright.
    • Lois Riley: That's alright. It's been a long day.
    • Mallory: Where's Doug?
    • Lois Riley: He'll be back in a little while.
    • Mallory: Okay.
    • Lois Riley: Are you hungry?
    • Mallory: Yeah. I got off early tonight. Business sucks.
    • [hesitant]
    • Mallory: You wanna go around the corner and get a po'boy?
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