Ted Movie Poster

Quotes from Ted

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    • [from trailer]
    • [dressed in a suit and tie]
    • Ted: I look stupid.
    • John: No, you don't, you look dapper.
    • Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
    • [calling 911]
    • John: This guy took my teddy bear!
    • [pause]
    • John: Hello? Hello?
    • [during a flashback to 2008]
    • John: Chris Brown can do no wrong!
    • [to fat kid]
    • Ted: Back off, Susan Boyle!
    • [regarding Ted coming to life]
    • Southern Newscaster: Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
    • Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
    • John: I think back to that Christmas morning and I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
    • Ted: Say that again.
    • John: Teddy Rux-fuckin'-pin
    • Ted: I look like Snuggles' accountant
    • John: Can you call my cellphone?
    • Lori: Yeah
    • [Lori calls John's phone which plays "The Imperial March"]
    • Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.
    • John: No. I-it's from The Notebook
    • Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
    • Ted: Your co-worker was making out with that Van Wilder look-alike.
    • [Regarding him split in half]
    • Ted: God... I look like the robot from Aliens.
    • [sigh]
    • Ted: Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to fuckin' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No."... He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours.
    • Lori: Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...
    • Ted: Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.
    • Lori: Can I give you a ride home?
    • John: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
    • Sam J. Jones: Death to Ming!
    • [to Tami-Lynn]
    • Ted: You have a baby? Is it alive?
    • [Imitating Ted]
    • John: Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars on the overpass.
    • Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
    • Johnny Carson: You know I thought you'd be taller.
    • Young Ted: I thought *you* were gonna be funnier.
    • Ted: Company's turning 20, huh? So you can bang it but you can't get it drunk.
    • [Ted and Tami-Lynn grunting and moaning]
    • Ted: Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!
    • Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
    • Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
    • Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
    • Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
    • Guy: He's been going out for four years. My longest relationship was, like, six months, and then she farted in her sleep. I'm like: I'm out of here, man, and I was gone before she woke up.
    • Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the 80s.
    • Ted: Show us how, Flash!
    • Sam J. Jones: Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
    • [John rushes to Ted's apartment]
    • Sam J. Jones: You're welcome.
    • Ted: He acknowledged it!
    • Sam J. Jones: Let's do some shots.
    • John: With you?
    • Ted: Oh my God.
    • John: Yes! Oh my God, yes!
    • Ted: Totally, yes!
    • Sam J. Jones: Let's go!
    • Ted: Johnny, thank Christ you made it.
    • John: Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
    • Ted: Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.
    • ['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' wher]
    • Sam J. Jones: How you doing?
    • [Offers bro fist]
    • Sam J. Jones: Good to meet you.
    • [Does bro fist with Sam]
    • John: I thank you for saving every one of us.
    • [Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]
    • [Rubs nose]
    • [Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]
    • Ted: Uh, cocaine, right?
    • Sam J. Jones: Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.
    • John: Well, uh, well not recently, no.
    • Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.
    • Sam J. Jones: You better follow me. Come on.
    • [Sam walks away]
    • Ted: Johnny, I'm frightened.
    • John: Thanks, Flash.
    • Sam J. Jones: There you go, my friend.
    • Ted: Thank you.
    • [Offering a toast]
    • Sam J. Jones: Death to Ming!
    • John: Haha!
    • Ted: Yes!
    • [the trio down their shots]
    • Sam J. Jones: Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?
    • Ted: Hey Lori, can you turn the alarm to 11 AM? I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
    • Donny: Are you out here all alone?
    • Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.
    • [Donny is pursuing Ted up the tower of Fenway Park, trying to grab him]
    • Donny: You're mine now, Ted.
    • Ted: Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
    • Donny: I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.
    • Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.
    • Ted: You can sing any 90's song with just vowels.
    • [Finishing ringing up a customer at his check-out line]
    • Ted: There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries.
    • [Ted turns around and sits down. He notices Tami-Lynn on the other end of the check-out counter]
    • Ted: Hey, uh, hey Ellen.
    • Ellen: Yeah?
    • Ted: Who's that over there?
    • [Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted]
    • Ellen: Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.
    • Ted: Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.
    • [Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at each other. He dry-hum]
    • Ted: Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
    • [while being carried inside a bag]
    • Ted: Oh, I hear the fat kid running! I bet it's hilarious!
    • Donny: You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."
    • Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
    • Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.
    • Ted: Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
    • [upon seeing all the pictures of himself at Donny and Robert's house]
    • Ted: Yeah, it's kind of funny actually. I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
    • [blocking Donny's view]
    • Ted: Let's see how well you know these streets.
    • Lori: Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?
    • John: Octopussy!
    • Lori: BABY! Goldstar!
    • Ted: Let's just find a better place to get stoned.
    • Ted: Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.
    • John: Of course.
    • Ted: Jews are welcome.
    • John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
    • Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
    • John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?
    • Ted: You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.
    • John: So why mention it?
    • Ted: No one will.
    • John: So why are we talking about it?
    • Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
    • John: Italian.
    • John: Yeah, let 'em in.
    • Ted: Exactly.
    • John: Right.
    • Ted: Good.
    • John: Okay.
    • Ted: No Mexicans, though.
    • Ted: Italian, yes.
    • John: What's the special on Tuesdays?
    • Ted: Eggplant parm.
    • John: Chopped salad half price.
    • Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.
    • John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
    • Ted: Anybody can come.
    • Ted: Down here. Not looking up your towel. Swear to God. Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.
    • Lori: Ted, what are you doing here?
    • John: I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out.
    • Lori: It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
    • [from deleted scene]
    • John: I could've ended up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn't because of Ted.
    • Lori: Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
    • Bellybutton: I love you!
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