Monsters vs. Aliens Movie Poster

Quotes from Monsters vs. Aliens

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    • The President of the United States: Listen up! I'm not going to go down as the President who was in office when the world came to an end, so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!
    • [Sips coffee]
    • The President of the United States: That is a good cup of joe.
    • B.O.B.: My, would you look at the size of that...
    • B.O.B.: Please tell me he's slowing down!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Foot!
    • [Cockroach and Link jump out of the way, as the robot steps on B.O.B]
    • [from the sole of the robot's foot, as it's walking]
    • B.O.B.: I got him you guys! I got...
    • [robot takes a step]
    • B.O.B.: Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him do...
    • [robot takes a step]
    • B.O.B.: Please tell me he's slowing down!
    • [robot takes a step]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Might we ask for your name, madam?
    • Susan Murphy: Susan.
    • B.O.B.: No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"
    • Susan Murphy: Susan.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Really?
    • [spookily]
    • B.O.B.: SUUUUSSAAANN! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!
    • [about Susan]
    • The Missing Link: She's speechless!
    • B.O.B.: She?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Yes. We are in the prescence of the rare female monster.
    • B.O.B.: No way! It's a boy; look at his boobies!
    • The Missing Link: We need to have a talk.
    • [B.O.B. is stuck to the sole of a robot; it passes by a hot dog cart]
    • B.O.B.: Hot dogs!
    • [grabs the hot dog cart; is about to eat it when the robot takes a step]
    • The President of the United States: Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants.
    • Gallaxhar: Humans of Earth, I come in peace. You need not fear me, I mean you no harm. However, it is important to note that most of you will not survive the next 24 hours. The few of you that do survive will be enslaved and experimented upon. You should, in no way, take any of this personally. It's just business. So to recap, I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die. Gallaxhar out.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
    • Susan Murphy: Throw the switch, doctor. But-but don't do the laugh.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwa-ha-ha... Sorry.
    • [turns on machine; Susan is shocked with electricity until she passes out; when she comes to, the others are standing over her]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Susan! Yoo-Hoo!
    • Susan Murphy: Am I small again?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm afraid not, my dear.
    • [Susan sits up, her hair standing on end]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.
    • Susan Murphy: Dr. Cockroach, I would really appreciate it if you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine.
    • [Insectosaurus roars]
    • The Missing Link: You're right Insecto. You've been letting this quack experiment on you for over a month.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm not a quack! I'm a mad scientist. There is a difference.
    • Susan Murphy: Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight, I can get out of here, go back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be with Derek in...
    • The Missing Link: Let me guess? Fresno?
    • Susan Murphy: Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee, then New York, and finally, some day...
    • The Missing Link: Yeah, we know, Paris.
    • [about B.O.B]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.
    • B.O.B.: Turns out, you don't need one. Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even...
    • [starts gasping for air]
    • B.O.B.: I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe! Help me, Doctor Cockroach! Help! Help!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Suck in, B.O.B.
    • [breathes normally]
    • B.O.B.: Thanks, Doc. You're a life saver.
    • Susan Murphy: I can't fight that thing! I never... I can't even...
    • [gasping]
    • Susan Murphy: I'm hyperventilating... Does anybody have a giant paper bag?
    • News Reporter: Once again, a UFO has landed in America, the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: My, what a shindig. Your parents really know how to throw it down.
    • The Missing Link: Huh? Oh, yeah. That was the best party I've even been to since I left prison.
    • B.O.B.: I don't know what party you guys went to, because that's not how I interpreted it at all. I don't think your parents like me, and I think that Jello gave me a fake phone number.
    • B.O.B.: I think he sees us.
    • [to alien robot]
    • B.O.B.: Hey! Hi! How you doing! Welcome! We are here to destroy you!
    • B.O.B.: I may not have a brain, gentlemen, but I have an idea.
    • B.O.B.: So long, Derek! Good luck getting over me.
    • Susan Murphy: Uh, B.O.B., I'm the one Derek's not going to get over.
    • B.O.B.: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait? You were dating Derek too? That two timing jerk!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: At least the garbage was free.
    • Susan Murphy: It's okay. These are my new friends.
    • [Grabs Susan's mom, Wendy]
    • B.O.B.: Oh, Derek! I missed you so much! Thinking about seeing you again was the only thing that got me through prison!
    • [Hugs Wendy so hard he absorbs her into his body]
    • B.O.B.: I love you! I love this man!
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B., no! That's my mom! You're suffocating her!
    • [B.O.B spits her out]
    • Carl Murphy: Honey, are you all right?
    • Wendy Murphy: I taste ham.
    • Susan Murphy: Sorry Mom. He's just a hugger.
    • The President of the United States: Oh, what's the point? It's a disaster.
    • Wilson: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
    • [Goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it"]
    • Advisor Cole: That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!
    • The President of the United States: Then which button gets me a latte?
    • Advisor Wedgie: That would be the other one, sir.
    • [Points to an identical button next to the first one; The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
    • The President of the United States: What idiot designed this thing?
    • Wilson: You did, sir.
    • The President of the United States: Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
    • [after his plot to invade Earth has been completely foiled]
    • Gallaxhar: Oh... Spaceballs!
    • [as the ship is about to explode]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: It's been a pleasure knowing you, Link.
    • The Missing Link: The feeling's mutual, Doc.
    • B.O.B.: I will see you guys tomorrow, for lunch.
    • The Missing Link: That's right, B.O.B.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: And they'll be ice-cream and cake, and balloons.
    • B.O.B.: Cake and balloons for lunch? It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!
    • Computer: Begin reanimation sequence.
    • Gallaxhar: Who dares to wake me?
    • Computer: Quantonium has been detected in the proximity of the Omega quadrant.
    • Gallaxhar: The Omega quandrant? Lame.
    • Computer: The trajectory of the quantonium meteor leads to a small planet in sector 72-4, a planet locally known as Earth.
    • Gallaxhar: What a miserable-looking mudball. Send a robot probe. Extract the quantonium with extreme prejudice. I want it all. Every last drop.
    • Computer: Yes, Gallaxhar.
    • Gallaxhar: Nothing can stand in my way now.
    • [while outside for the first time in 50 years]
    • The Missing Link: It a little hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer? It would be great to know that... that would be a very convenient truth.
    • The President of the United States: Commander, do something violent.
    • [Susan wakes up on board Gallaxhar's spaceship in a containment cell]
    • [enters on a personal hovercraft]
    • Gallaxhar: You must be terrified. Waking up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device. Strange, isn't it?
    • Susan Murphy: Hardly. It's not the first time.
    • [pause, deflated]
    • Gallaxhar: Wow, you really get around.
    • Derek Dietl: Susan!
    • [Picks up Derek]
    • Susan Murphy: Good, because I wouldn't want any of your fans to miss this. This is Susan Murphy saying goodbye, Derek!
    • [Flicks him up in the air]
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B., could you...?
    • [after catching Derek]
    • B.O.B.: Derek, you're a selfish jerk, and guess what? I've met someone else. She's lime green, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her, and she is everything I deserve in life! I'm happy now, Derek, without you. It's over!
    • [to cameraman]
    • B.O.B.: Turn it off.
    • Susan Murphy: Derek?
    • Derek Dietl: I've been thinking long and hard about what happened last night, and I just want to to know, I forgive you.
    • Susan Murphy: You forgive me?
    • Derek Dietl: Of course. It wasn't your fault you got hit by a meteorite and ruined everything. And I say maybe you didn't ruin everything, because I just got a call from New York. They offered me network. All I have to do is give them an exclusive interview with you.
    • Susan Murphy: Really?
    • Derek Dietl: Yes. I get my dream job, and you get your dream guy. It's a win-win for Team Dietl.
    • Susan Murphy: Derek, that's... amazing. Is the camera running?
    • Derek Dietl: Of course.
    • Derek Dietl: Wow, you're glowing.
    • Susan Murphy: Thank you.
    • Derek Dietl: No, Susan, you're really glowing! You're green!
    • Derek Dietl: What's going on? What's happening?
    • Susan Murphy: You're all shrinking!
    • Derek Dietl: No, Susan! You're growing!
    • Susan Murphy: Well, make it stop!
    • [as she's growing, the others are running away]
    • Susan Murphy: No, don't go! Please have some champagne while we sort this out!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're not making a very good first impression.
    • The Missing Link: Well, at least I'm talking. First new monster in years, and we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a mummy? You know, someone I can play cards with.
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right? Not one of those half person, half machine, whatever you call those things?
    • General W.R. Monger: A cyborg?
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, no! You're a cyborg!
    • The Missing Link: Wow, look at you. I know what you're thinking: first day in prison, you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard? Well, I'd like to see you try.
    • Susan Murphy: But I'm not a monster! I'm just a regular person. I'm not a danger to anyone or anything!
    • [accidentally hits a helicopter with her hand, causing it to crash]
    • Helicopter Pilot: Don't let her get me!
    • Susan Murphy: Sorry.
    • General W.R. Monger: We had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell, try to keep you all calm like.
    • [the cell has a small "Hang in there" poster]
    • Susan Murphy: But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten, hanging from a real tree.
    • General W.R. Monger: This place is an X-file, wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.
    • General W.R. Monger: Don't think of it as prison. Think of it as a hotel that you can never leave, 'cause it's locked from the outside.
    • [Fighting the robot]
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B.!
    • B.O.B.: What?
    • Susan Murphy: Help me!
    • B.O.B.: Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.
    • Susan Murphy: Three weeks ago, if you were to ask me to fight a giant robot, I would have said "no can do". But I did it! Me! I'm still buzzing! Did you see how strong I was? There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open!
    • The Missing Link: Don't scare Insectosaurus! He's gonna pee himself, and then we'll all be in trouble.
    • General W.R. Monger: Woo-hoo! Now that's a robot!
    • Susan Murphy: It's huge!
    • General W.R. Monger: Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might want to take it back to the farm.
    • Susan Murphy: No, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!
    • General W.R. Monger: I'm not gonna kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times. The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass! We need raw power! We need... monsters!
    • [Building an atom bomb out of Legos]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Oh, Susan. Might you happen to have a little uranium on you? Just a smidge.
    • [On walkie-talkie]
    • General W.R. Monger: Revoke Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges, immediately.
    • Wendy Murphy: Oh, Susan, ever since you were a little baby, I knew... you know, that you would save the world from an invasion from outer space.
    • The Missing Link: So, how was Derek?
    • The Missing Link: And the Coast Guard. And also the Life Guard.
    • Susan Murphy: Amazing!
    • [B.O.B. lands]
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B! Who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?
    • B.O.B.: Link?
    • Susan Murphy: You.
    • B.O.B.: Amazing!
    • [Insectosaurus roars]
    • The Missing Link: Good point, Insecto! Susan, don't shortchange yourself.
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, I'm not gonna shortchange myself.
    • [pause]
    • [stands at full height]
    • Susan Murphy: Ever again!
    • Susan Murphy: Derek's a selfish jerk.
    • B.O.B.: No!
    • Susan Murphy: Yes. All that talk about us - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno" - There was no us, it was just Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I was such an idiot!
    • [kicks roof of gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]
    • Susan Murphy: Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway? I mean, look at all I've done without him. Fighting a alien robot? That was me, not him! And it was amazing! Meeting you guys... amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can climb walls, and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, 2 cans of hairspray...
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: And a paper clip!
    • Susan Murphy: Amazing! And you. You hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried off 250 co-eds off Cocoa Beach, and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard!
    • Advisor Hawk: We need our top minds on this. Get India on the phone.
    • The President of the United States: So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot!
    • [Shoots at robot; nothing happens]
    • The President of the United States: Evidently they eat lead.
    • Secret Service Man #2: Get him on the chopper!
    • The President of the United States: I'm brave! I am a brave president!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: What my associate is trying to say, is that we all think the new Susan is the cat's me-WOW!
    • The Missing Link: No monster has even gotten out of here.
    • B.O.B.: That's not true! The invisible man did.
    • The Missing Link: No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.
    • B.O.B.: NO!
    • The Missing Link: Yeah. In that very chair.
    • [motions towards an empty chair]
    • The Missing Link: He's still there.
    • B.O.B.: What happened to the " there isn't a jar in this world I can't open" stuff? Wait, did you really find a jar you couldn't open? What was in it? Were there pickles in it? Where's the giant jar of pickles?
    • Cuthbert: Don't rush me, Katie. I'm just, not ready.
    • Katie: Oh relax Cuthbert, it's just like dancing. I'll lead.
    • Katie: This is the worst date ever.
    • The President of the United States: I must face it alone. This is all about peaceful communication.
    • [Helicopters behind him deploy their missile launchers]
    • Secret Service Man #1: Yes sir, Mr. President.
    • B.O.B.: Oh! My back! Just kidding! I don't have a back! Hahahahaha!
    • [Aims weapon at Gallaxhar]
    • Susan Murphy: Now open the doors!
    • Gallaxhar: I can't even if I wanted to! That's what happens when you put the ship to self-destruct! Now we're all gonna die, and there's nothing you can do about it, Suuusan!
    • Susan Murphy: I wouldn't be too sure. And the name is Ginormica.
    • [fires weapon into radiation container, letting it fall on her]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: By Hawking's chair!
    • [B.O.B. picks up a three from a deck of cards, Insectosaurus is standing behind B.O.B]
    • The Missing Link: Do you have any...
    • [Insectosaurus stomps three times]
    • The Missing Link: Threes?
    • B.O.B.: Yes! I do! How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know!
    • The Missing Link: Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.
    • General W.R. Monger: Say hello to Insectosaurus.
    • [off-camera sound of Ronson being taken away, china set cracking]
    • General W.R. Monger: Thank you! A genetically altered tomato was combined with a ranch flavored desert topping - the resulting mass gained consciousness.
    • General W.R. Monger: And her we have our latest addition, Ginormica.
    • [Another scream the same as Ronson's is heard, and it turns out to be the President's]
    • [composing himself]
    • The President of the United States: General, continue.
    • General W.R. Monger: Her entire body radiates with pure energy, giving her enormous strength and size.
    • [a woman screams]
    • General W.R. Monger: Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear waste turned him from a harmless grub into a 350 foot tall monster that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link.
    • [Ronson screams again]
    • General W.R. Monger: A frozen fish man frozen for 20000 years that scientists defrosted. He escaped and went back to his old watering hole. This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, PhD. The most brilliant scientist in the world he invented a machine to give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. Unfortunately there was a side effect.
    • [Ronson screams again]
    • General W.R. Monger: We call this thing B.O.B.
    • [Ronson screams again]
    • General W.R. Monger: WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUT OF HERE?
    • B.O.B.: You're doing great!
    • Susan Murphy: I'm doing everything!
    • The Missing Link: Halt! I, Gallaxhar, order you to release the prisoner at once!
    • [Offering a laser gun to B.O.B]
    • Gallaxhar clone: Would you like a gun?
    • B.O.B.: Yes, I would. Hey, you guys, check this out.
    • [Gun goes off and hits clone]
    • The Missing Link: Okay...
    • Gallaxhar clone: Clearly, you are defective beyond repair. Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator!
    • [pause]
    • Gallaxhar clone: Well, what are you waiting for? You and you!
    • [Points at Dr. Cockroach and B.O.B]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Seriously?
    • Gallaxhar clone: Yes. Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Uh, yes, of course.
    • Gallaxhar clone: And here's a security pass in case you need it.
    • [last lines]
    • General W.R. Monger: My God, man! What have you done?
    • The President of the United States: Time to wave the white flag and head to the bunker, boys. Let's look at the situation again in 500 years. Who wants to freeze my head?
    • The President of the United States: Everyone, I'd like to welcome my new Joint Chiefs of Staff, General W.R. Monger.
    • General W.R. Monger: Thanks, Mr. President. What a great way to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.
    • The President of the United States: Very good, Warren. So, let's get it started in here. Nerd!
    • Advisor Wedgie: Gentlemen, I have here the preliminary budget for rebuilding San Francisco.
    • The President of the United States: Zoinkers! This is gonna be a boring one. Good time for a cup of joe. Warren, how do you take it?
    • General W.R. Monger: Hit me with an organic venti chocolate brownie caramel mochacchino, extra hot with one inch of foam, non-fat.
    • The President of the United States: You got it, black it is.
    • [Pushes the nuke button by mistake, despite all the advisors shouting at him not to]
    • Susan Murphy: I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.
    • The Missing Link: Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach just... freakin' everybody out.
    • B.O.B.: And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No no, that's me, B.O.B.
    • B.O.B.: Then I'll be a really giant lady.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: That's Susan, B.O.B.
    • B.O.B.: Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.
    • The Missing Link: Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.
    • B.O.B.: I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!
    • Susan Murphy: Now remember, these people are not used to seeing anything like... like you, or... or you, or... or you. So just be, you know, cool, just be... follow my lead.
    • [Susan accidentally steps on a fence, then the monsters destroy the fence]
    • [Right before the monsters attempt to destroy a car with fence posts]
    • Susan Murphy: Stop! That was an accident. Don't destroy anything.
    • [B.O.B. throws the fence post away and it destroys something else]
    • B.O.B.: It's just legs? Why did they capture a giant pair of legs?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Silence, B.O.B! She'll hear you!
    • B.O.B.: How? Legs don't have ears.
    • The Missing Link: Finally, some action. I'm gonna turn that oversized tin can into a very dented oversized tin can.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Hello.
    • Susan Murphy: Eww!
    • [Swats at Dr. Cockroach with her spoon]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Will you stop... Careful!
    • [hangs on to the spoon]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Madam, please!
    • Wendy Murphy: Susan, what happened?
    • Susan Murphy: I feel like I got hit by a meteorite.
    • Wendy Murphy: Oh, Susan. Every bride feels like that on her wedding day.
    • Derek Dietl: Wow, You really are big.
    • Susan Murphy: Yeah, but I'm still me. I'm still the girl you fell in love with.
    • Derek Dietl: Except you just destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge.
    • Susan Murphy: Well, it was the only way I could stop the giant robot. Did you ever thing I could do something like that.
    • Derek Dietl: No, Susan. I can honestly say that it had never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occured to me.
    • Susan Murphy: Look, I know this is all a little weird - okay, it's a lot weird - but I'm sure we can get through this. Together, we can find a way to get me back to normal.
    • Derek Dietl: Susan, try to see it from my perspective. I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces. So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo this thing that happened to you, that I had absolutely nothing to do with?
    • Susan Murphy: Of course. That's exactly what I expect. What about the life we always wanted? Don't you still want that?
    • Derek Dietl: Of course I do, but I can't see how I can have it with you.
    • [On the verge of tears]
    • Susan Murphy: Derek, please. Don't do this.
    • Derek Dietl: Oh, Susan, it's time you faced facts, and please don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married just to live in someone else's shadow, and you're casting a pretty big shadow. It's over. Good luck, Susan.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Poor Link. After all that tough talk, you were outmonstered by a girl. No wonder you're depressed.
    • The Missing Link: Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired.
    • B.O.B.: Why are you tired? You didn't do anything.
    • The Missing Link: I haven't been sleeping well lately, all right? I have sleep apnes... apne... apnea. Whatever, it's not fun.
    • Gallaxhar: Now I can finally rebuild my civilization. Any thought on where I can set up shop? Your planet, perhaps?
    • Computer: Many zentons ago, when I was just a squidling, I found out my parents had...
    • [Machine closes; after a moment, it opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: No child should have to endure that! So I went on the road, with a giant...
    • [Machine closes and opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: And soon thereafter was married! Things were going well, until...
    • [Machine closes and opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: ...And I was all "no way!", and she was all "yes way!", and I was like...
    • [Machine closes and opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: But I've told you too much already! Let the conquest of my new planet, now know as... Gallaxhar's Planet, begin!
    • Susan Murphy: You keep your slimy tentacles off my planet...
    • [Grabs Susan with one of his tentacles]
    • Gallaxhar: Or what? If you wanted to stop me, you should have done it when you possessed the quantonium. Now you're nothing.
    • Susan Murphy: There are innocent people down there who didn't do anything!
    • [Throws Susan down to the ground]
    • Gallaxhar: Bah! There were innocent people in my home planet when it was destroyed.
    • Susan Murphy: Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.
    • Gallaxhar: Oh, don't be. I was the one who destroyed it. Confused? After I reveal my tale to you, everything will become crystal clear. Computer, begin cloning machine!
    • Computer: Yes, Gallaxhar.
    • [Gallaxhar gets on machine]
    • Gallaxhar: Are you crazy? You could have killed me!
    • Susan Murphy: Then we understand each other. Now open the doors and let my friends go.
    • Gallaxhar: Or what? Did you really think you could take me?
    • Computer: Quantonium has been diverted to the bridge. Escape pod is now ready.
    • Gallaxhar: Like I said before, you should have stopped me when you possessed the quantonium. Have fun exploding!
    • [to a jello mold]
    • B.O.B.: Hi. I'm benzoid ostylezene bicarbonate, or you can call me B.O.B, whichever's easier. Do I come on too strong? I'm sorry, I'm a little rusty. I mean I've... been in prison my whole life. Ugh, why'd I mention prison?
    • [Slams fist on table, causing jello to shake]
    • B.O.B.: Oh, I didn't mean to scare you. I'll just go. I feel so stupid.
    • [lifting weights]
    • The Missing Link: ... seven... eight...
    • [Susan passes by]
    • The Missing Link: ... nine hundred and ninety nine, one thousand. Whoo! I can't believe I just did ten sets.
    • General W.R. Monger: I'm so proud of you monsters, I'd cry if I hadn't lost my tearducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.
    • Susan Murphy: What is it, general?
    • General W.R. Monger: Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As I speak, Escargantua is slowly making his way to Paris.
    • Susan Murphy: Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now, who's with me?
    • The Missing Link: What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?
    • [Insectosaurus roars]
    • The Missing Link: We're in.
    • B.O.B.: I'm in!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Count me in too.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Would anyone care for an atomic gin fizz? It's got quite a...
    • [drink explodes]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: ... kick.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: You can't crush a cockroach! Mwahahaha!
    • Gallaxhar: To the extraction chamber!
    • Gallaxhar: Don't bother. That forcefield is impenetra...
    • [Suddenly, Susan breaks through the force field and nearly knocks Gallaxhar off his hovercraft]
    • Gallaxhar: Oh! What the flagnar!
    • Susan Murphy: Look, what is it you want from me?
    • Gallaxhar: You have stolen what is rightfully mine.
    • Susan Murphy: I didn't steal anything from you.
    • Gallaxhar: Your enormous, grotesque body contains quantonium, the most powerful substance in the universe. Did you really think you could keep it from me?
    • Susan Murphy: This is what this is all about? You destroyed San Francisco, you terrorized millions of people? You killed my friend just to get to me?
    • Gallaxhar: Ya-ka-ka-ka-ka! Silence! Your voice is grating in my earnubs. Too bad you won't be around to see what the power of quantonium can do in the tentacles of someone who knows how to use it.
    • Susan Murphy: I know how to use it, just fine!
    • [Punches at force field]
    • The Missing Link: You see what I mean? No one's leaving. No one's ever getting out.
    • General W.R. Monger: Good news, monsters! You're getting out!
    • The Missing Link: Until today.
    • Susan Murphy: Where's Derek?
    • Wendy Murphy: He's at the TV station.
    • Carl Murphy: You know how he is about his work.
    • Susan Murphy: Well, we can't celebrate without him.
    • Wendy Murphy: Susan, what about your little friends?
    • Susan Murphy: Just leave out some snacks. They'll eat anything.
    • [diving into a trashcan]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Oh, ambrosia!
    • General W.R. Monger: For the last fifty years, I've been your prison warden, but that it's no longer the case. For what it's worth...
    • [Salutes]
    • B.O.B.: Well, that's rude. What did we do?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No, B.O.B., that's not rude. It's a sign of great respect.
    • Computer: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
    • [pause]
    • Computer: Hmm. Nothing happened. Maybe my count
    • [the ship explodes]
    • [Opening lines]
    • Technician Ben: Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this one out. Palomar just picked it up. It looks like some form of UFO, and it's headed this way.
    • Technician Jerry: How many times do I have to tell you this? UFOs don't exist. It's probably just...
    • [Sees computer, heads to monitors]
    • Technician Ben: Wow, it's energy reading is massive.
    • Technician Jerry: Holy Cheez-its! What do we do? No one ever told us what to do! The only reason I took the job was because we weren't supposed to do anything!
    • Technician Ben: Jerry, calm down. I'm calculating the impact point. It looks like... Modesto, California.
    • [On phone]
    • Technician Jerry: Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We finally found one! Code Nimoy! I repeat, Code Nimoy!
    • Mama Dietl: There's my future daughter-in-law. It's like a fairy tale. The weatherman and the weatherman's wife. How romantic.
    • Susan Murphy: I know. At this time tomorrow, I'll be with Derek in Paris. And we won't just be honeymooning there. Maybe Derek will become a foreign correspondent, and we'll travel the world together.
    • Mama Dietl: Honey, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
    • [Susan notices Mama Dietl's abnormally small right thumb]
    • Mama Dietl: One thumb is smaller than the other. It runs in the family.
    • Susan Murphy: Derek doesn't have it.
    • Mama Dietl: It skips a generation. Your kids are gonna have it!
    • Computer: Your busted, tired moves are no match for my security protocols.
    • Susan Murphy: We can't hold them off much longer!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in... dance!
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, please, God, please tell me none of this is real. Please tell me I had a nervous breakdown at my wedding and I'm in a mental hospital and I'm on medication that's giving me hallucinations.
    • [Counting down to self-destruct]
    • Computer: 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3...
    • Gallaxhar: Come on! Come on!
    • Computer: 2... 1.
    • [pause]
    • Computer: Hmm, nothing happened. Maybe my count was...
    • [Explosion]
    • General W.R. Monger: Monsters, I'm so proud of you, I could cry, if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.
    • Susan Murphy: What is it, General?
    • General W.R. Monger: Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making it's way to Paris.
    • Susan Murphy: Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now who's with me?
    • The Missing Link: What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?
    • [Butterflyosaurus roars, saying *yes*]
    • The Missing Link: We're in.
    • B.O.B.: I'm in!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Count me in too.
    • Wendy Murphy: Au revoir, sweetie! Have a safe flight!
    • Carl Murphy: Yeah, and hang on!
    • [as Butterflyosaurus flies our heroes into the sunset]
    • B.O.B.: Goodbye, Derek! Good luck getting over me.
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B., it's me he's never going to get over.
    • B.O.B.: Wait, wait! You were dating Derek too? That two-timing jerk!
    • [Susan sees a "Hang in There" poster with a kitty on it]
    • Susan Murphy: But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitty hanging from a real tree.
    • [on the verge of tears]
    • Susan Murphy: I want to go home.
    • General W.R. Monger: Oh come on little darlin' don't cry, it makes my knees hurt.
    • [Gallaxhar drinks a hot liquid like tea through his ear and spits it out his mouth in pain]
    • Computer: Careful, it's hot.
    • General W.R. Monger: Her entire body radiates with pure energy, giving her enormous strength and size.
    • [He accidentally makes the "Huge Breasts" gesture, then hides his hands when he notices it]
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