Monsters vs. Aliens Movie Poster

Quotes from Monsters vs. Aliens

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    • The President of the United States: Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history as the President who was in office when the world came to an end, so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!
    • [sips coffee]
    • The President of the United States: That is a good cup of Joe.
    • B.O.B.: Wow! Would you look at the size of that...
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Foot!
    • [Cockroach and Link jump out of the way, as the robot steps on B.O.B]
    • [from the sole of the robot's foot, as it's walking]
    • B.O.B.: I got him you guys! I go...
    • [robot takes a step]
    • B.O.B.: Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him dow...
    • [robot takes a step]
    • B.O.B.: Please tell me he's slowing down!
    • [robot takes a step]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Might we ask for your name, madam?
    • Susan Murphy: Susan.
    • B.O.B.: No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"
    • Susan Murphy: Susan.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Really?
    • [spookily]
    • B.O.B.: SUUUUSSAAANN! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!
    • [about Susan]
    • The Missing Link: She's speechless!
    • B.O.B.: She?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Yes. We are in the prescence of the rare female monster.
    • B.O.B.: No way! It's a boy; look at his boobies!
    • The Missing Link: We need to have a talk.
    • [B.O.B. is stuck to the sole of a robot; it passes by a hot dog cart]
    • B.O.B.: Hot dogs!
    • [grabs the hot dog cart; is about to eat it when the robot takes a step]
    • The President of the United States: Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants.
    • Gallaxhar: Humans of Earth, I come in peace. You need not fear me, I mean you no harm. However, it is important to note that most of you will not survive the next 24 hours. The few of you that do survive will be enslaved and experimented upon. You should, in no way, take any of this personally. It's just business. So to recap, I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die. Gallaxhar out.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
    • Susan Murphy: Throw the switch, Doctor. But-but don't do the laugh.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwa-ha-ha... Sorry.
    • [he turns on the machine; Susan is shocked with electricity until she passes out. When she comes to, the others are standing ove]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Susan! Yoo-hoo!
    • Susan Murphy: Am I small again?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm afraid not, my dear.
    • [Susan sits up, her hair standing on end]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.
    • Susan Murphy: Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine.
    • [Insectosaurus roars]
    • The Missing Link: You're right, Insecto. You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist. There's a difference.
    • Susan Murphy: Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight, I can get out of here, get back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be in...
    • The Missing Link: Let me guess, Fresno?
    • Susan Murphy: Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee, and then New York and then some day hopefully...
    • The Missing Link: Yeah, we know. Paris.
    • [about B.O.B]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.
    • B.O.B.: Turns out, you don't need one. Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even...
    • [starts gasping for air]
    • B.O.B.: I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe! Help me, Doctor Cockroach! Help! Help!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Suck in, B.O.B.
    • [breathes normally]
    • B.O.B.: Thanks, Doc. You're a life saver.
    • Susan Murphy: I can't fight that thing! I never... I can't even...
    • [gasping]
    • Susan Murphy: I'm hyperventilating... Does anybody have a giant paper bag?
    • News Reporter: Once again, a UFO has landed in America, the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Wow, what a shindig. Your parents really know how to throw it down.
    • The Missing Link: What? No, that was a great party, one of the best I've even been to since I got out of prison.
    • B.O.B.: I must have been at a different party, 'cause that's not how I interpreted it at all. I don't think your parents like me, and I think that jello gave me a fake phone number.
    • B.O.B.: I think he sees us.
    • [to alien robot]
    • B.O.B.: Hey! Hi! How you doing! Welcome! We are here to destroy you!
    • B.O.B.: I may not have a brain, gentlemen, but I have an idea.
    • B.O.B.: Goodbye, Derek! Good luck getting over me.
    • Susan Murphy: Uh, B.O.B.? It's me he's never gonna get over.
    • B.O.B.: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, wait, wait. You were dating Derek too? That two-timing jerk!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: At least the garbage was free.
    • Susan Murphy: It's okay. They're with me. These are my new friends.
    • [grabs Susan's mom, Wendy]
    • B.O.B.: Oh, Derek! I missed you so much! Thinking that we'd someday be together again. It's the only thing that got me through prison. I love you! I love this man!
    • [he hugs Wendy so hard he absorbs her into his body]
    • Susan Murphy: No, B.O.B.! That's my mother! You're suffocating her!
    • [B.O.B spits her out]
    • Carl Murphy: Honey, are you all right?
    • Wendy Murphy: I taste ham.
    • Susan Murphy: Sorry Mom. He's just a hugger.
    • The President of the United States: Hang it all! What's the point? It's a disaster.
    • Wilson: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
    • [he goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it"]
    • Advisor Cole: That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!
    • The President of the United States: Well, then which button gets me a latte?
    • Advisor Wedgie: Uuh, that would be the other one, sir.
    • [camera pans to an identical button next to the first one. The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
    • The President of the United States: What idiot designed this thing?
    • Wilson: You did, sir.
    • The President of the United States: Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
    • [after his plot to invade Earth has been completely foiled]
    • Gallaxhar: Oh... Spaceballs!
    • [as the ship is about to explode]
    • The Missing Link: It's been an honor knowing you, Doc.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: The feeling's mutual, my friend.
    • B.O.B.: I'll see you guys tomorrow, for lunch.
    • The Missing Link: That's right, B.O.B.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: There'll be candy, cake; balloons.
    • B.O.B.: Cake and balloons for lunch? It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!
    • Computer: Begin reanimation sequence.
    • Gallaxhar: Who dares to wake me?
    • Computer: Quantonium has been located on a distant planet in the Omega quadrant.
    • Gallaxhar: The Omega quandrant? Lame.
    • Computer: The trajectory of the quantonium meteor has been traced to sector 72-4, a planet locally known as Earth.
    • Gallaxhar: What a miserable-looking mudball. Send a robot probe. Extract the quantonium with extreme prejudice. I want it all. Every last drop.
    • Computer: Yes, Gallaxhar.
    • Gallaxhar: Nothing can stand in my way now.
    • [while outside for the first time in 50 years]
    • The Missing Link: It a little hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer? It would be great to know that... that would be a very convenient truth.
    • The President of the United States: Commander, do something violent.
    • [Susan wakes up on board Gallaxhar's spaceship in a containment cell]
    • [enters on a personal hovercraft]
    • Gallaxhar: You must be terrified. You wake up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device. Strange, isn't it?
    • Susan Murphy: Hardly. It's not the first time.
    • [deflated]
    • Gallaxhar: Wow. You really get around.
    • Derek Dietl: Susan!
    • [picks up Derek]
    • Susan Murphy: Good, because I wouldn't want your fans out there to miss this. This is Susan Murphy saying, "Goodbye, Derek!"
    • [she flicks him up in the air]
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B., could you, er...?
    • [after catching Derek and spitting him out again]
    • B.O.B.: Derek, you are a selfish jerk, and guess what? I've met someone else. She's lime green, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her, and she is everything I deserve in life! I'm happy now, Derek, without you. It's over.
    • [deflated, to cameraman]
    • Derek Dietl: Turn it off.
    • Susan Murphy: Derek?
    • Derek Dietl: Baby, I thought long and hard about what happened between us, and I want you to know, I forgive you.
    • Susan Murphy: *You* forgive *me*?
    • Derek Dietl: Of course. It wasn't your fault you got hit by a meteorite and ruined everything. And you know what? I say maybe you didn't ruin everything. I just got a call from New York. They offered me network. All I have to do is get an exclusive interview from you.
    • Susan Murphy: Really?
    • Derek Dietl: Yeah! I get my dream job, and you get your dream guy. It's a win-win for Team Dietl.
    • Susan Murphy: Derek... that's amazing. Er, is the camera rolling?
    • Derek Dietl: Absolutely.
    • Derek Dietl: Wow. You're glowing.
    • Susan Murphy: Thank you.
    • Derek Dietl: No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!
    • Derek Dietl: What's going on? What's happening here?
    • Susan Murphy: You're all shrinking!
    • Derek Dietl: Uh-uh. You're growing!
    • Susan Murphy: Well, make it stop!
    • [as Susan is growing, everyone is running away]
    • Susan Murphy: Wait. Wait, everybody. It's OK. Have some champagne while we're figuring this out.
    • [the resident monsters have just greeted Susan, the new arrival, in their own peculiar way]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making a very good first impression.
    • The Missing Link: At least I'm talking. First new monster in years, we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a, or a mummy? Just, you know, somebody to play cards with.
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right? Not one of those half person, half machine, whatever you call those things?
    • General W.R. Monger: A cyborg?
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, no! You're a cyborg!
    • The Missing Link: Wow, look at you. I know what you're thinking: first day in prison, you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard? Well, I'd like to see you try.
    • Susan Murphy: But I'm not a monster! I'm just a regular person. I'm not a danger to anyone or anything!
    • [accidentally hits a helicopter with her hand, causing it to crash]
    • Helicopter Pilot: Don't let her get me!
    • Susan Murphy: Sorry.
    • General W.R. Monger: We, er, had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell, try to keep you all calm like.
    • [the cell has a small "Hang in there" poster with a kitten on]
    • [on the verge of tears]
    • Susan Murphy: But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten, hanging from a real tree. I want to go home.
    • General W.R. Monger: Oh. come on, little Debbie, please don't cry, it makes my knees hurt.
    • General W.R. Monger: This place is an X-file, wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.
    • General W.R. Monger: Don't think of this as a prison. Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it's locked from the outside.
    • [Fighting the robot]
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B.!
    • B.O.B.: What?
    • Susan Murphy: Help me!
    • B.O.B.: Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.
    • Susan Murphy: Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot, I would've said "no can do". But I did it! Me! I'm still buzzing, I mean... Did you see how strong I was? There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.
    • The Missing Link: Don't scare Insectosaurus! He's gonna pee himself, and then we'll all be in trouble.
    • General W.R. Monger: Woo-whee! Now, that's a robot!
    • Susan Murphy: It's huge.
    • General W.R. Monger: Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might want to bring it back to the farm.
    • Susan Murphy: No, no, no, no, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!
    • General W.R. Monger: I'm not gonna kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times. The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass! We need raw power! We need... monsters!
    • [building an atom bomb out of a plastic toy]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Ah, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you? Just need a smidge.
    • [on walkie-talkie]
    • General W.R. Monger: Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges, immediately.
    • Wendy Murphy: Oh, Susan. Ever since you were a baby, I knew that, someday, you would, you know, save the Earth from an invasion from outer space.
    • The Missing Link: Anyway, how, er, how was Derek?
    • The Missing Link: And the Coast Guard. And also the Life Guard.
    • Susan Murphy: Amazing!
    • [B.O.B. lands]
    • Susan Murphy: B.O.B., who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?
    • B.O.B.: Link?
    • Susan Murphy: Y-you.
    • B.O.B.: Amazing!
    • [Insectosaurus roars]
    • The Missing Link: Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, I'm not gonna short-change myself.
    • [Susan sighs]
    • [stands at full height]
    • Susan Murphy: Ever again!
    • Susan Murphy: Derek is a selfish jerk.
    • B.O.B.: No!
    • Susan Murphy: Yes. All that talk about "us" - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno". There's no "us". There was only Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I'm such an idiot!
    • [she kicks the roof of the gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]
    • Susan Murphy: Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway? I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him. Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him. And that was amazing! Meeting you guys? Amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can crawl up walls and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, two cans of hairspray and...
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: And a paper clip.
    • Susan Murphy: Amazing! And you - you hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried 250 co-eds off of Cocoa Beach, and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard.
    • Advisor Hawk: We need our top scientific minds on this. Get India on the phone.
    • The President of the United States: So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot!
    • [Shoots at robot; nothing happens]
    • The President of the United States: Evidently they eat lead.
    • Secret Service Man #2: Get him on the chopper!
    • The President of the United States: I'm brave! I am a brave president!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: What my associate is trying to say, is that we all think the new Susan is the cat's me-WOW!
    • The Missing Link: No monster has ever gotten out of here.
    • B.O.B.: That's not true! The invisible man did.
    • The Missing Link: No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.
    • B.O.B.: Nooo!
    • The Missing Link: Yeah. In that very chair.
    • [motions towards an empty chair]
    • The Missing Link: He's still there.
    • B.O.B.: What happened to the "there isn't a jar in the world I can't open" stuff? Wait, did you find a jar you couldn't open? What was in it? Was there pickles in it? Where's the giant jar of pickles?
    • [Katie is trying to get smoochy with Cuthbert]
    • Cuthbert: Don't rush me, Katie. I'm just, not ready.
    • Katie: Oh, relax Cuthbert, it's just like dancing. I'll lead.
    • Katie: This is the worst date ever.
    • The President of the United States: I must approach it alone. This is all about peaceful communication.
    • [helicopters behind him deploy their missile launchers]
    • Secret Service Man #1: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
    • B.O.B.: Oh! My back! Just kidding! I don't have a back! Hahahaha.
    • [aims weapon at Gallaxhar]
    • Susan Murphy: Now open the doors!
    • Gallaxhar: Even if I wanted to, I couldn't ! That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct! Now we're all gonna die! And there's nothing you can do about it, Suuusan.
    • Susan Murphy: I wouldn't be so sure. And the name is Ginormica.
    • [fires weapon into radiation container, letting it fall on her]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: By Hawking's chair!
    • [B.O.B. picks up a three from a deck of cards, Insectosaurus is standing behind B.O.B]
    • The Missing Link: Do you have any...
    • [Insectosaurus stomps three times]
    • The Missing Link: Threes?
    • B.O.B.: Yes! I do! How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know!
    • The Missing Link: Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.
    • [presenting a slide show about his monsters]
    • General W.R. Monger: Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus.
    • [off-camera sound of Ronson being taken away, cracking china]
    • General W.R. Monger: Thank you! A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness, and became an indestructible, gelatinous mass. And our latest addition: Ginormica.
    • [another scream, the same as Ronson's is heard, and it turns out to be the President's]
    • [clears his throat]
    • The President of the United States: General, continue.
    • [a woman screams, dropping her tray with china]
    • General W.R. Monger: Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into a 350 foot tall monster, that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link.
    • [Ronson screams and drops her tray again]
    • General W.R. Monger: A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man, who was thawed out by scientists. He escaped, and went on a rampage at his old watering hole. This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, PhD., the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine, that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. Unfortunately there was a side effect.
    • [Ronson screams again, cracking china]
    • General W.R. Monger: Now, we call this thing B.O.B.
    • [Ronson screams again, cracking china]
    • General W.R. Monger: WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?
    • B.O.B.: You're doing great!
    • Susan Murphy: I'm doing everything!
    • The Missing Link: Halt! I, Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.
    • [he offers a laser gun to B.O.B]
    • Gallaxhar clone: Would you like a gun?
    • B.O.B.: Yes, I would. Hey, guys, look.
    • [gun goes off and hits clone]
    • The Missing Link: Okay...
    • Gallaxhar clone: Clearly you are defective beyond repair. Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator!
    • [pause]
    • Gallaxhar clone: Well, what're you waiting for? You, and you!
    • [points at B.O.B and Dr. Cockroach]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Seriously?
    • Gallaxhar clone: Yes. Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Uh, of course, sir.
    • Gallaxhar clone: And here's a security pass, just in case.
    • [last lines]
    • General W.R. Monger: My God, man! What have you done?
    • The President of the United States: Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check on the situation in 500 years. Who wants to freeze my head?
    • The President of the United States: Everyone, let's welcome my new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General W.R. Monger.
    • General W.R. Monger: Thank you, Mr. President. What a great way, sir, to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.
    • The President of the United States: Very good, Warren. All right, let's get it started in here. Nerd!
    • Advisor Wedgie: Gentlemen, I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate for the rebuilding of San Francisco.
    • The President of the United States: Zoinkers! This is gonna be a boring one. Good time for a cup of Joe. Warren, how do you take it?
    • General W.R. Monger: Hit me with a double venti organic, chocolate brownie, caramel frappucchino, extra hot with one inch of foam. Non-fat.
    • The President of the United States: You got it. Black it is.
    • [he pushes the nuke button by mistake, despite all the advisors shouting at him not to]
    • Susan Murphy: I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.
    • The Missing Link: Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach just... freakin' everybody out.
    • B.O.B.: And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No no, that's me, B.O.B.
    • B.O.B.: Then I'll be a really giant lady.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: That's Susan, B.O.B.
    • B.O.B.: Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.
    • The Missing Link: Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.
    • B.O.B.: I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!
    • Susan Murphy: Okay, remember, these people aren't used to seeing, um... a-anything like... you, or, or you, or, or you. So just be, you know, cool, just be, you know... Follow my lead.
    • [Susan accidentally steps on a fence, upon which the monsters destroy the fence]
    • [right before the monsters attempt to destroy a car with fence posts]
    • Susan Murphy: Stop! That was an accident. Don't destroy anything!
    • [B.O.B. throws the fence post away, which destroys something else]
    • B.O.B.: Is it just legs? Did we just capture a giant pair of legs?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Silence, B.O.B! She'll hear us!
    • B.O.B.: How? Legs don't have ears.
    • The Missing Link: Finally, some action. I'm gonna turn that oversized tin can into a *really* dented oversized tin can.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Hello.
    • Susan Murphy: Eww!
    • [she swats at Dr. Cockroach with her spoon]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Will you stop... Careful!
    • [hangs on to the spoon]
    • [as Susan bangs the spoon repeatedly on the table]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Please, madam! Stop... doing... that! Ow!
    • [he finally releases the spoon and comes to lie on the table, heavily battered]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Whatever mad scientist made you, he really went all out.
    • [collapses]
    • Wendy Murphy: Susan, where have you been?
    • Susan Murphy: I think I just got hit by a meteorite.
    • Wendy Murphy: Oh, Susan. Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.
    • Derek Dietl: Wow, you really are big.
    • Susan Murphy: Yeah, but I'm still me. I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.
    • Derek Dietl: Except you did just destroy the Golden Gate Bridge.
    • Susan Murphy: Well, but that was the only way I was gonna stop that giant robot. Did you ever think I could do something like that?
    • Derek Dietl: No, I didn't. I can honestly say that it never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.
    • Susan Murphy: Look, I-I know this is a little weird. Okay - it's a lot weird. But we'll figure it out. I know that together, we can find a way to get me back to normal.
    • Derek Dietl: Susan, try and look at this from my perspective. I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces. So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo this thing that happened to you, that I had absolutely nothing to do with?
    • Susan Murphy: Yes. That's exactly what I expect. What-what about the life that we always talked about? Don't you still want that?
    • Derek Dietl: Of course. I just... don't see how I can have that with you.
    • [on the verge of tears]
    • Susan Murphy: Derek, please. Don't do this.
    • Derek Dietl: Oh, y-you have to faced facts, Susan. And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married and spend the rest of my life in someone else's shadow. And you're casting a pretty big shadow. I'm sorry. It's over. Good luck, Susan.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Poor Link. After all that tough talk, you were outmonstered by a girl. No wonder you're depressed.
    • The Missing Link: Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm tired.
    • B.O.B.: Why are you tired? You didn't do anything.
    • The Missing Link: Well, I haven't been sleeping well, all right? I got sleep apnes... apne-, apnea. Whatever, it's not fun.
    • Gallaxhar: Finally, I can rebuild my civilization on a new planet. Any thoughts on where I should set up shop? Your planet, perhaps?
    • Gallaxhar: Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling, I found out my parents were...
    • [machine closes; after a moment, it opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: No child should ever have to endure that! So I went on the road, with a giant...
    • [machine closes and opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: ...and soon thereafter was married! Things were going well, until she wanted to...
    • [machine closes and opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: ...and then I was all "no way!", and she was all "yes way!", and I was like...
    • [machine closes and opens again]
    • Gallaxhar: But I've told you too much already. Let the birth of my new planet, now called... Gallaxhar's Planet, begin!
    • Susan Murphy: You keep your slimy tentacles off my planet...
    • [grabs Susan with one of his tentacles]
    • Gallaxhar: If you wanted to stop me, you should have done it when you possessed the quantonium. Now you're nothing.
    • Susan Murphy: There're innocent people down there, who didn't do anything!
    • [throws Susan down to the ground]
    • Gallaxhar: There were innocent people on my home planet, before it was destroyed.
    • Susan Murphy: Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.
    • Gallaxhar: Oh, don't be. I'm the one who destroyed it. Confused? After I reveal my tale to you, everything will become crystal clear. Computer, initialize cloning machine!
    • Computer: Yes, Gallaxhar.
    • [Gallaxhar gets on the machine]
    • Gallaxhar: Are you crazy? You could have killed me!
    • Susan Murphy: Then we understand each other. Now open the doors and let my friends go.
    • Gallaxhar: Or what? You don't actually think you're a match for me, do you?
    • Computer: Quantonium has been successfully diverted to the bridge. Escape capsule ready for transport.
    • Gallaxhar: Like I told you before, you should have defeated me when you had the quantonium. Have fun exploding.
    • [to a green jello]
    • B.O.B.: Hi. I'm benzoate ostylezene bicarbonate. Or you can call me B.O.B, whichever is easier. Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry. I'm a little rusty. I mean, I've be... I've been in prison my whole life. Why'd I mention prison?
    • [he slams his fist on the table, causing jello to shake]
    • B.O.B.: Oh, I didn't mean to scare you. Uh, I'm just gonna go. Ugh, I feel so stupid.
    • [Link is lifting weights]
    • The Missing Link: ...seven, eight...
    • [Susan passes by]
    • The Missing Link: ...nine hundred and ninety nine, one thousand. Whoo! I can't believe I did ten sets.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Anyone care for an atomic gin fizz? It's got quite a...
    • [drink explodes]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: ...kick.
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: You can't crush a cockroach! Mwahahaha!
    • Gallaxhar: To the extraction chamber!
    • Gallaxhar: Don't bother. That forcefield is impenetra...
    • [suddenly, Susan punches through the force field and nearly knocks Gallaxhar off his hovercraft]
    • Gallaxhar: Oh! What the flagnon!
    • Susan Murphy: Look, what is it that you want from me?
    • Gallaxhar: You have stolen what is rightfully mine.
    • Susan Murphy: I didn't steal anything from you.
    • Gallaxhar: Your enormous, grotesque body contains quantonium, the most powerful substance in the universe. Did you really think you could keep it from me?
    • Susan Murphy: That's what this is all about? You destroyed San Francisco, you, you terrified millions of people? You killed my friend just to get to me?
    • Gallaxhar: Ya-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! Silence. Your voice is grating on my ear nubs. It's a shame you won't be around to see what the power of quantonium can do in the tentacles of someone who knows how to use it.
    • Susan Murphy: I know how to use it, just fine!
    • [she punches against the force field]
    • The Missing Link: You see what I'm saying? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's ever getting out.
    • General W.R. Monger: Good news, monsters! You're getting out!
    • The Missing Link: Until today.
    • Susan Murphy: Where's Derek?
    • Wendy Murphy: Uh, he's at work, sweetie.
    • Carl Murphy: You know how he is about his career.
    • Susan Murphy: Well, we're not gonna celebrate without him.
    • Wendy Murphy: Susan? Wha-what do I do with all your little friends?
    • Susan Murphy: Just put out some snacks. They'll eat anything.
    • [diving into a trashcan]
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Oh! Ambrosia!
    • General W.R. Monger: I've been your warden for close to fifty years. That's no longer the case. For what it's worth...
    • [he salutes]
    • B.O.B.: That's rude. What did we do?
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No, B.O.B., that's not rude. That's a sign of respect.
    • [first lines]
    • Technician Ben: Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this one out. Palomar just picked it up. Looks like some type of UFO, and it's heading this way.
    • Technician Jerry: How many times do I have to tell you this? UFOs don't exist. And we're never gonna see...
    • [sees computer, heads to monitors]
    • Technician Ben: Wow, it's energy signature is massive.
    • [panicking]
    • Technician Jerry: Holy Cheez-its! What do we do? No one ever told us what to do! The only reason I took the job is 'cause you never have to do anything!
    • Technician Ben: Jerry, stop it! We calculate its impact point. Looks like... Modesto, California.
    • [on phone]
    • Technician Jerry: Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one. Code Nimoy. I repeat, Code Nimoy!
    • Mama Dietl: My beautiful daughter-in-law!
    • Susan Murphy: Hi, Mama Dietl.
    • Mama Dietl: It's like a fairy tale. The weatherman and the weatherman's wife. Aww - romantic.
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, I know. Just think - this time tomorrow, I'm gonna be in Paris! And someday, we won't just be honeymooning there. Derek will become an anchor, or a foreign correspondent, and we'll travel all over the world.
    • Mama Dietl: Ach, Honey, my fingers are crossed.
    • [Susan notices Mama Dietl's abnormally small right thumb]
    • Mama Dietl: One thumb is shorter than the other. It runs in the family.
    • Susan Murphy: Derek doesn't have that.
    • Mama Dietl: It skips a generation. Your kids are gonna have it!
    • Computer: Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.
    • Susan Murphy: We can't hold them off much longer!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in... dance!
    • Susan Murphy: Oh, please, God, please tell me this isn't real. Please tell me I just had a nervous breakdown at the wedding and now I'm in a mental hospital and I'm on medication that's giving me hallucinations.
    • [counting down to self-destruct]
    • Computer: 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3...
    • Gallaxhar: Come on! Come on!
    • Computer: 2... 1...
    • [pause]
    • Computer: Hmm, nothing happened. Maybe my count...
    • [ship explodes]
    • General W.R. Monger: Monsters, I'm so proud of you, I could cry, if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.
    • Susan Murphy: What is it, General?
    • General W.R. Monger: Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making it's way to Paris.
    • Susan Murphy: Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now who's with me?
    • The Missing Link: What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?
    • [Butterflyosaurus roars, saying *yes*]
    • The Missing Link: We're in.
    • B.O.B.: I'm in!
    • Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Count me in too.
    • [Gallaxhar drinks a hot liquid like tea through his ear and spits it out his mouth in pain]
    • Computer: Careful, it's hot.
    • General W.R. Monger: Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage, and locked them up in a secret prison facility. So secret, that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense.
    • [to his table neighbor]
    • Advisor Cole: Is he referring to Area Fifty...?
    • [is shot with a tranquilizer dart]
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