Friends 25th: The One With The Anniversary Movie Poster

Quotes from Friends 25th: The One With The Anniversary

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    • Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.
    • Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
    • Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
    • Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
    • Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
    • [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ]
    • Phoebe: If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
    • [receiving his Christmas gift]
    • Ross: You got me a cola drink.
    • Chandler: And a LEMON LIME.
    • Ross: You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater.
    • Joey: And last but not least.
    • [Monica receives her gift]
    • Joey: They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.
    • Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
    • [pounding a scone]
    • Ross: Stupid British snack food.
    • Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
    • [In response to a stupid comment]
    • Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
    • Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal!
    • [pointing]
    • Chandler: I *knew* it!
    • Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
    • Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
    • Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
    • Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
    • Rachel: You shouldn't.
    • Rachel: Wha... married?
    • Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
    • Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?
    • Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
    • Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
    • Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!
    • Rachel: ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
    • Dr Long: Three.
    • Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!
    • Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins?
    • Phoebe: Sure.
    • Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
    • [Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
    • Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
    • Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.
    • Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!
    • Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!
    • Monica: You don't like the game, because you suck at it.
    • Chandler: I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.
    • [Imitating someone really annoying]
    • Phoebe: "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?
    • Ross: What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!
    • Ross: What are you doing?
    • Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?
    • Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.
    • Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
    • Chandler: Du-ude!
    • Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?
    • Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
    • Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?
    • Ross: ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
    • Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
    • Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
    • [repeated line throughout the series]
    • Janice: Oh... my... God!
    • Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.
    • Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
    • Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today?
    • Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.
    • Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!
    • Phoebe: Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.
    • Chandler: Because, it... it's not his last name.
    • Phoebe: It isn't?
    • Chandler: No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.
    • Phoebe: Oh, oh okay...
    • Phoebe: There should *be* a gold man!
    • Ross: We were on a break!
    • Chandler: Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!
    • Chandler: The only way I would've said six would have been if I had said, "Let's meet at seven, not at six."
    • Monica: The only way I would've said seven, would have been if I had said, 'Wow, my boyfriend is such a wiseass... Seven!'
    • Phoebe: Oh, my God! The foster puppets!
    • [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap]
    • Ross: I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.
    • [wide eyed]
    • Phoebe: Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?
    • Rachel: He's talking to the baby.
    • Phoebe: Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"
    • Carol: Oh, what do you know? No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this
    • [shouts]
    • Carol: pot roast through it?"
    • Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
    • Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.
    • Chandler: I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did!
    • Joey: Really?
    • Chandler: No, freak show! She's fictional!
    • Ross: Okay, there you go.
    • Rachel: Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.
    • Ross: What are you doing tonight?
    • Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
    • Ross: No.
    • Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?
    • Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
    • Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
    • Rachel: Sorry.
    • Mark: Okay. I'll just go home and get back at him by myself.
    • Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
    • Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
    • Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."
    • Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
    • Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?
    • Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
    • Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
    • Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
    • Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
    • Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
    • Monica: Absolutely.
    • Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
    • Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
    • Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
    • Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
    • [pause]
    • Joey: ... Are we still talking about sex?
    • Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
    • Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.
    • Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
    • Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
    • Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to...
    • [ignoring her]
    • Jack Geller: Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
    • [incredulous]
    • Judy Geller: You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
    • [after smelling potpourri]
    • Joey Tribbiani: Well, this is like summer in a bowl!
    • [in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot]
    • Monica: The sun is out!
    • [squinting in pain]
    • Chandler: Hey, remember when I had corneas?
    • [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him]
    • Joey Tribbiani: Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!
    • Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people.
    • Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
    • [on the phone]
    • Monica: Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on.
    • [to Rachel]
    • Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
    • Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks.
    • Monica: That is the unusual activity.
    • Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
    • Reporter: I like that. what's your name?
    • [pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
    • Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.
    • [after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross]
    • Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?
    • [repeated line]
    • Ross: We were on a break!
    • Rachel: You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
    • Ben: But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.
    • [holding a bottle of champagne]
    • Ross: Gunther, six glasses!
    • [hopeful]
    • Gunther: Six? You want me to join you?
    • Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five will be fine.
    • [Gunther walks away disappointed]
    • Ross: Boy I'm gonna get spit in my coffee, now.
    • Monica: Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time.
    • Chandler: I'm not macho.
    • Monica: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
    • Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
    • Monica: Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
    • Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
    • Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
    • Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
    • Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha.
    • Monica: My motto is get out before they go down.
    • Joey: That is so not my motto.
    • [Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple]
    • Julie: You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick.
    • Chandler: Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area?
    • Julie: Sorry.
    • [during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus']
    • Joey: Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'.
    • [notices Rachel is also laughing]
    • Joey: Erectus?
    • [stifling laugh]
    • Rachel: No, 'homo'.
    • Mike Hanigan: You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you?
    • Ross: No...
    • Mike Hanigan: Oh okay. You just have that look.
    • [to himself]
    • Ross: Damn SuperCuts!
    • [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
    • Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
    • Joey: I don't know it's too hard.
    • Rachel: Come on, you have to answer.
    • Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
    • Monica: Sex!
    • Chandler: Seriously. Answer faster.
    • Monica: I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
    • Chandler: It's like a big hug.
    • Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
    • Ross: Sex!
    • Phoebe: What about sex or dinosaurs?
    • Ross: My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
    • [Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]
    • Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home?
    • [Ross enters with his gift for Mona]
    • Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here.
    • [nervously gives Mona her present]
    • Ross: Happy Valentine's Day.
    • [Mona stares angrily at Ross]
    • Ross: Or, something to remember me by...
    • [Monica knocks]
    • Chandler: You can't come in.
    • Monica: Why not?
    • Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
    • Ross: What?
    • Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
    • Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?
    • [Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]
    • Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
    • Monica: How bout receiving?
    • Joey: Yes!
    • Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
    • ChandlerMonica: Yeah.
    • Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
    • [Monica and Chandler look impressed]
    • Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
    • [later]
    • Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
    • Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
    • Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?
    • ChandlerMonica: Yeah!
    • Joey: Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."
    • [to Monica]
    • Chandler: Shouldn't we call the spitter?
    • [Chandler just asked him to move out]
    • Eddie: This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?
    • Chandler: No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
    • Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
    • Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
    • Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
    • Chandler: ...No.
    • [Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed]
    • Joey: Aw, man. He took the five of spades.
    • [looks through deck]
    • Joey: No, here it is.
    • [Ross is wearing a white suit]
    • Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
    • Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
    • Rachel: Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?
    • Joey: And look. A phone in the bathroom.
    • Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.
    • Joey: Want some jam?
    • Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.
    • Rachel: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone.
    • Monica: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry.
    • Rachel: For once, could you not just remember every little thing?
    • Phoebe: We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys.
    • Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.
    • [Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]
    • Chandler: Condoms?
    • Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
    • Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
    • Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.
    • Chandler: You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
    • Monica: Shrill? The wedding's back on.
    • Monica: Me too.
    • Chandler: You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...
    • Monica: Yeah?
    • Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering?
    • Monica: The wedding's off, sloppy and immature.
    • [they get up]
    • Monica: Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room.
    • Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
    • [doing a crossword puzzle]
    • Ross: Heating device.
    • Phoebe: Radiator.
    • Ross: Five letters.
    • Phoebe: Rdatr.
    • [dancing and singing]
    • Chandler: She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back.
    • Monica: Don't you still have to pee?
    • Chandler: That's why I'm dancing.
    • Monica: Whoa. Where you going in those pants? 1982?
    • Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
    • Rachel: No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.
    • [In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]
    • Chandler: How do you not fall down more often?
    • Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
    • Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."
    • Rachel: I've never asked a guy out before.
    • Phoebe: You've never asked a guy out?
    • Rachel: No. Have you?
    • Phoebe: Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?
    • Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
    • Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
    • Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.
    • Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
    • Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?
    • [Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship]
    • Monica: Can't we tell your parents first?
    • Richard: They're both dead.
    • Monica: Oh, you are *so* lucky.
    • Joey: Hey Ross. If homo sapiens were in fact "homo sapiens", could that be why they're extinct?
    • Ross: Joey, homo sapiens are people.
    • Joey: Hey! I'm not judging here.
    • Chandler: Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?
    • Monica: Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.
    • Rachel: Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!
    • Phoebe: Ohhhhhhh!
    • Rachel: That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.
    • Phoebe: Yeah that'll kill it.
    • Ross: I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool."
    • [Ross and Joey's first meeting]
    • [glum]
    • Ross: My wife's a lesbian.
    • Joey: Cool.
    • Chandler: Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.
    • [Rachel complaining about her father]
    • Rachel: Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady".
    • Chandler: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that.
    • Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point.
    • Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.
    • Joey: Hey, I got something for you.
    • Chandler: What's this?
    • Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
    • Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.
    • Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
    • Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower?
    • [pause]
    • Chandler: Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
    • Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
    • Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.
    • [Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica]
    • Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh?
    • Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
    • Chandler: I hope he did.
    • Rachel: You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast?
    • Jill Green: No. What?
    • Rachel: Well... she died.
    • [Reading Rachel's "romance novel."]
    • Monica: "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.
    • Rachel: Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."
    • Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
    • Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
    • Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
    • Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.
    • Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
    • Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
    • Monica: Excuse me?
    • Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
    • Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
    • Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.
    • [a ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]
    • Phoebe: Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.
    • Monica: All I have is oregano and a Fresca.
    • Phoebe: That's okay.
    • [Adds them]
    • Phoebe: All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
    • Rachel: OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
    • Rachel: Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need?
    • Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
    • Rachel: Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything.
    • Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.
    • Rachel: Okay, that is all you.
    • [Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony]
    • Chandler: Too many jokes. Must mock Joey.
    • Phoebe: Quit being so "testosterony".
    • Chandler: ...The real San Francisco treat.
    • Monica: I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross.
    • Rachel: I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.
    • [Trying to fix up Monica with a date]
    • Joey: Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you.
    • Monica: No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
    • Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.
    • Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
    • Chandler: Oh, my God.
    • Monica: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best...
    • [crying]
    • Monica: There's a reason why girls don't do this.
    • Chandler: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
    • Monica: Yes.
    • Rachel: See? Unisex.
    • Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
    • Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
    • Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.
    • [When asked if he knows anything about chicks]
    • Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.
    • Chandler: I got her machine.
    • Joey: Her answering machine?
    • Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
    • [after settling a fight between Monica and Rachel]
    • Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.
    • [walking out of the bathroom]
    • Rachel: Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages.
    • Chandler: And you thought of that in there?
    • Monica: Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.
    • [to Ross]
    • Chandler: You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.
    • Janice: Goodnight my Bing-a-ling.
    • [Referring to Janice]
    • Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
    • Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
    • Chandler: Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.
    • [Janice enters Central Perk]
    • [to Chandler]
    • Janice: Hello Funny Valentine.
    • Chandler: Hello, Just Janice.
    • [Chandler's trying to quit smoking]
    • Chandler: Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
    • Ross: Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch.
    • [does so]
    • [deadpan]
    • Chandler: Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
    • Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?
    • Ross: Not on the ones we sent out.
    • Chandler: Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.
    • [advising Ross about Rachel]
    • Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".
    • [Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart]
    • Phoebe: You got a haircut.
    • David: Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.
    • Chandler: I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like.
    • Joey: Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".
    • Chandler: Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.
    • Joey: Hey, you know, you could always visit him.
    • Phoebe: Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?
    • [taking duck out in the hallway]
    • Chandler: Now you stay out here and you think about what you did.
    • Ross: That's a duck.
    • Chandler: That's a bad duck.
    • Joey: It's just my character that's not brain-dead.
    • Monica: Wow. You're a really good kisser.
    • Chandler: Well, I have kissed more than four women.
    • Chandler: Stay... stay. Good fake dog.
    • Monica: That's probably because their nerves are deadened from being so stupid.
    • Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
    • Rachel: A moo point?
    • Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
    • Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
    • Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.
    • [Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop]
    • Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
    • Gunther: I thought you were Chandler.
    • [Joey looks disturbed]
    • [motioning to Chandler]
    • Gunther: Um, one of you is over there.
    • [repeated line]
    • Joey Tribbiani: How you doin'?
    • Rachel: Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra?
    • Joey: I don't have another level!
    • Frank Buffay Jr.: My sister's having my baby.
    • Rachel: Come on. You guys can pee standing up.
    • Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.
    • Rachel: Yeah.
    • Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them?
    • Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?
    • Monica: Is this too cute? Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
    • [Silence]
    • Monica: What? I'm not like I'm gonna put little nipples on them.
    • Monica: Hey. Where's Joey?
    • Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
    • [Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding]
    • Monica: Why must your family be Scottish?
    • Chandler: Why must your family be *Ross*?
    • Monica: Okay. Wait-wait-wait. Shhh.
    • [Bangs on her glass with a spoon to make a toast]
    • Monica: Okay, umm, I just wanna say that... I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night.
    • [Chandler clears his throat]
    • Monica: Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit.
    • [chasing after him]
    • Monica: Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it.
    • [motioning with his hands]
    • Chandler: I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.
    • [talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler]
    • Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
    • Monica: Oh, I already have one.
    • Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
    • Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
    • [drinking a beer on the boat]
    • Joey: Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
    • [yelling]
    • Joey: Get out of the way jackass.
    • [to Rachel]
    • Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
    • Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
    • Rachel: God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride.
    • [shows Phoebe the picture]
    • Rachel: And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.
    • Phoebe: Hey, can we turn on the TV? I think it's raining outside.
    • Phoebe: Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
    • Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?
    • Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
    • [reading the paper]
    • Chandler: Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
    • [to Ross]
    • Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
    • Chandler: Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew. Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster.
    • [to his parents]
    • Ross: Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
    • Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.
    • Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
    • Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'
    • [Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
    • Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
    • [looks all confused]
    • Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
    • Monica: This has been like my dream ever since I got my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened "Easy Monica's Bakery".
    • Joey: Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.
    • Phoebe: Really? Mine get me out of tickets.
    • Chandler: You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.
    • Ross: All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won.
    • Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried.
    • Ross: Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.
    • Chandler: That was you.
    • Ross: Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.
    • [Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]
    • Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.
    • [explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song]
    • Phoebe: And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it.
    • [pause]
    • Phoebe: I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes.
    • [Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work]
    • Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time.
    • Chandler: That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum.
    • [about the erogenous zones]
    • Monica: Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
    • Chandler: That-that's bad?
    • Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
    • Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7.
    • Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
    • Chandler: That was five years ago.
    • Joey: I know. You got five more years.
    • Chandler: Joey...
    • Joey: You want to make it six?
    • [Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
    • Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
    • Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?
    • Phoebe: Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.
    • Phoebe: I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?"
    • Monica: Which one was that?
    • Phoebe: You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza... ".
    • Jill Green: All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel.
    • Rachel: Yeah, I got that.
    • [Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants]
    • Ross: C'mon man, just take 'em off, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun.
    • [Chandler's drunk from having jello shots]
    • Monica: Stick out your tongue.
    • Chandler: Take off your shirt.
    • Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
    • Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
    • [after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross]
    • Rachel: I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open
    • [pause]
    • Rachel: ha, I made you look.
    • [on thanksgiving day]
    • Chandler: So, when's the big game gonna start?
    • Phoebe: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.
    • [Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready]
    • Rachel: I'll just become a lesbian
    • Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have you
    • Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.
    • Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.
    • Monica: Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.
    • Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
    • Monica: There's more beer right?
    • Phoebe: Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.
    • [to Ross]
    • Joey: Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food.
    • Chandler: Of course there they'd just call it food.
    • [to everybody]
    • Monica: We have to talk.
    • Phoebe: Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. All right no I'm not.
    • Monica: All right, we have to talk.
    • Phoebe: There it is.
    • [about Ross being in love with Rachel]
    • Phoebe: This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge?
    • Joey: Uh, this?
    • Phoebe: Yeah.
    • Tommy: So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies.
    • Rachel: Yeah, ok, At ease soldier.
    • [Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom]
    • Joey: I'm hungry.
    • Phoebe: We could eat the wax. It's organic.
    • Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
    • Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
    • Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.
    • Joey: You think I need a new walk?
    • Chandler: What?
    • Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
    • Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
    • Joey: Va fa napoli.
    • [Rachel is upset about something]
    • Phoebe: Aww Pheebs.
    • Rachel: Honey, that's your name.
    • Phoebe: Oh, Pheebs is short for Phoebe I thought that's just what we called each other.
    • Joey: Hey Mon, I got a question for you.
    • Monica: Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.
    • Rachel: Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional. And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour.
    • Phoebe: My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.
    • [At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]
    • Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award.
    • Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
    • Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means.
    • Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.
    • Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents?
    • Monica: No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay?
    • Joey: Okay.
    • Monica: Give me one more.
    • Joey: Okay.
    • [hands her one]
    • Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets.
    • Joey: What secrets?
    • Chandler: Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
    • [the girls walk away]
    • Joey: You'll tell me later?
    • Chandler: You already know.
    • Nora Bing: Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy...
    • [softly]
    • Nora Bing: ... and a fantastic lover.
    • Chandler: Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.
    • Phoebe: Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
    • [Rachel doesn't take his advice]
    • Joey: Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
    • Monica: Chandler. You're smoking again?
    • Chandler: Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still...
    • [Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over]
    • Monica: How ya doin'?
    • Chandler: Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it.
    • [talking about Ralph Lauren]
    • Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.
    • Ross: Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs?
    • Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
    • Ross: Hey, I might.
    • Chandler: Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
    • Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
    • Chandler: All right.
    • [on phone]
    • Chandler: Yes, this is Rachel.
    • Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
    • Monica: Wow, you - you worked in a mine?
    • Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?
    • Phoebe: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while...
    • Joey: Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
    • Chandler: You've got waaaay too much free time.
    • Rachel: Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.
    • Rachel: Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby, you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together, coz I was your daddy's girlfriend.
    • Ben: But you're not anymore.
    • Rachel: No, no we're not.
    • Ben: Coz you and dad were on a break.
    • Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?
    • Joey: Of course I did.
    • Monica: Well, what did you ask her?
    • Joey: 'When can you move in?'.
    • Monica: Did you just smell my hair?
    • Pete: No.
    • Monica: Oh my God, you still have feelings for me, don't you?
    • Pete: No I don't.
    • Monica: None at all?
    • Pete: Okay I love you, is that so wrong?
    • Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
    • Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall...
    • [Monica stares]
    • Chandler: ...in exchange for money.
    • Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?
    • Monica: I'll have a latte.
    • Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.
    • Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little...
    • Phoebe: You know I was just being polite.
    • Chandler: Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control...
    • Monica: Oh! Relinquish is just a fancy word for "lose"!
    • [Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up]
    • Chandler: I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
    • Joey: You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.
    • Chandler: Great show. Good work, Joey.
    • Joey: You liked it?
    • Chandler: Liked it? I loved it.
    • Joey: What did you like best about it?
    • Chandler: I liked... everything the whole show.
    • Joey: What about the specifics?
    • Chandler: Specifics? Specifics were the best part.
    • Joey: What about the scene with the kangaroo?
    • Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.
    • Joey: Why?
    • Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.
    • Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.
    • Chandler: I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.
    • Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.
    • [sarcastically]
    • Chandler: It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.
    • Joey: I know.
    • Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
    • Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.
    • [winks at Ross]
    • Ross: Why'd you wink at me?
    • Joey: Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much.
    • [thinking]
    • Joey: OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel.
    • [Rachel walks into the room]
    • Rachel: Hey, sweetie.
    • [thinking]
    • Joey: I love you.
    • Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.
    • Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.
    • Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.
    • [Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
    • Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
    • Joey: You think?
    • Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?
    • Joey: No, not really.
    • [under her breath]
    • Phoebe: Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?
    • Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
    • Joey: Oh, you do?
    • Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
    • Joey: I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
    • Phoebe: Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
    • [under her breath]
    • Phoebe: Kick me in the stomach why don't you.
    • Joey: What?
    • [Monica and Chandler come back from London]
    • Phoebe: Oh, my god. You had sex.
    • Monica: No, we didn't.
    • [to Chandler]
    • Phoebe: I know YOU didn't, I'm saying she did.
    • Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
    • Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
    • Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
    • Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
    • Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
    • Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
    • Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
    • Phoebe: By Sandrine.
    • Joey: I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.
    • Chandler: That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.
    • Joey: OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.
    • [Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck]
    • Chandler: Could we BE more white trash?
    • [Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes]
    • Ross: Veto.
    • Phoebe: Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?
    • Ross: Curie.
    • Rachel: Veto. Rain.
    • Ross: Veto. Mark.
    • Rachel: Veto. Vince.
    • Ross: Veto. Lance.
    • Rachel: Veto. James.
    • Ross: Hmmm...
    • Rachel: If it's a girl.
    • [Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]
    • Richard: Guys, seriously, it's not like that.
    • Jack Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...
    • Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
    • Jack Geller: Come on, tell us.
    • Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20?
    • Richard: I'm not telling you guys anything.
    • Jack Geller: Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
    • Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that.
    • Jack Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
    • Richard: Jack, would you let it go?
    • Jack Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.
    • Chandler: All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...
    • [to Joey]
    • Chandler: Well, except you.
    • Phoebe: What happens to the old Christmas trees?
    • Joey: They go into the chipper.
    • Phoebe: Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?
    • Janine: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
    • [kisses Joey]
    • [mumbles]
    • Joey: Oomchimawa.
    • [after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice]
    • Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
    • Joey: He's grieving.
    • [We see Chandler running outside]
    • Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE.
    • Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
    • Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
    • Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
    • Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.
    • Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.
    • Phoebe: Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you.
    • [pause]
    • Phoebe: Except for you, Joey.
    • Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.
    • Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?
    • Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a
    • [mumble]
    • Phoebe: handlerrrrr.
    • Phoebe: You still love Rachel.
    • Ross: No, I don't.
    • Phoebe: You got married to her.
    • Ross: In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey.
    • [angry]
    • Phoebe: Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.
    • Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance.
    • Ben: Thanks, daddy.
    • Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.
    • [On living alone]
    • Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
    • [When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him]
    • Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe?
    • Rachel: Not right now.
    • Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie.
    • Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.
    • [winks at Joey]
    • Chandler: My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi.
    • Monica: Who's Mr. Gribaldi?
    • Chandler: DOES IT MATTER?
    • Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.
    • Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning.
    • [Monicas stares at him]
    • Chandler: Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?
    • Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?
    • Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".
    • Chandler: Ok, I'm just going to go outside.
    • Ross: Whoa, whoa, hold it.
    • Chandler: Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air.
    • Ross: Ok.
    • [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette]
    • Chandler: Ahh, fresh air...
    • [Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
    • Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.
    • Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible.
    • Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.
    • [clinks wine glass]
    • Ross: Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller.
    • Jack Geller: DR. Ross Geller.
    • Ross: Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...
    • [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend]
    • Monica: So, how did you two meet?
    • Nora Bing: Well, actually, it's a funny story...
    • Chandler: Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-
    • [makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out]
    • Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment.
    • Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?
    • Ross: I'm not a pervert.
    • Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.
    • [Chandler is caught smoking]
    • Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years.
    • Chandler: And this- is my reward.
    • Ross: Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
    • Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit.
    • Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
    • Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
    • Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.
    • Joey: I am telling this to Rachel.
    • Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.
    • Monica: No, Joey.
    • Joey: Unless...
    • Chandler: Unless what?
    • Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.
    • Chandler: What? Why?
    • Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
    • Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni.
    • [pause]
    • Monica: Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.
    • Chandler: Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
    • [on cell phone]
    • Joey: Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...
    • Chandler: No.
    • Monica: Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.
    • Chandler: ...All right.
    • Joey: YEAH.
    • Chandler: But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.
    • Monica: Ok, so who's going to be there?
    • Chandler: No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.
    • Ross: Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
    • Mona: Thanks for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight?
    • Ross: Sure.
    • Mona: Ok. Bye.
    • Ross: Bye.
    • [to Ross]
    • Chandler: Wow, you must be great in bed.
    • Joey: You two were having sex.
    • Monica: No, we weren't.
    • Joey: Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair.
    • [to Chandler]
    • Joey: You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?
    • [to a woman]
    • Chandler: Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".
    • [to Ross]
    • Chandler: Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.
    • Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
    • Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
    • Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.
    • Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
    • Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
    • Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.
    • [Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]
    • Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.
    • Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?
    • Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
    • [on Monica's phone]
    • Ross: Yeah, Tony, hold on.
    • [pause]
    • Monica: Oh, hi mom.
    • [starts throwing things at Ross]
    • [gets second line]
    • Ross: Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on.
    • [returns to second line]
    • Ross: Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend.
    • [switches back to second line]
    • Monica: Give me that.
    • [into phone]
    • Monica: Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house?
    • Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
    • [after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward]
    • Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...
    • Joey: I know. I know.
    • Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
    • Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.
    • Rachel: Yeah I know. I miss that.
    • Joey: Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
    • [long, awkward pause]
    • Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.
    • [about Richard]
    • Chandler: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
    • Joey: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
    • Richard: Well...
    • Joey: No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.
    • [Chandler kicks, out of sight]
    • Joey: I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.
    • [to Chandler]
    • Joey: What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.
    • [At an audition]
    • Joey: Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent.
    • [with Jamaican accent]
    • Joey: Ya, mon.
    • Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.
    • Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".
    • Monica: So you wanna?
    • Chandler: OK.
    • [pauses]
    • Chandler: I can't.
    • [Snaps]
    • Monica: Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.
    • Chandler: I can't because of Emma.
    • Monica: Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.
    • Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.
    • Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?
    • Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself.
    • [laughs]
    • Joey: You're gonna do it?
    • Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?
    • Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.
    • Ross: I love marriage.
    • Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?
    • [after having sex with Rachel's boss]
    • Rachel: You promised you would break up with her.
    • Chandler: I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.
    • Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"
    • Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.
    • [Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they ]
    • Rachel: I will have the uh,
    • [whispers]
    • Rachel: side salad.
    • [whispers]
    • Waiter: And what will that be on the side of?
    • Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?
    • Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?
    • Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...
    • [notices Monica's angry glare]
    • Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.
    • [Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down]
    • Joey: Hey, do you need any help?
    • Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?
    • [upon receiving her first paycheck]
    • Rachel: Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?
    • Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced.
    • Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...
    • [talking to Monica]
    • Chandler: Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
    • [Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
    • [Just been told the patients date of birth]
    • Joey: Age...?
    • Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
    • Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.
    • Monica: Do you ever think about the future?
    • Richard: Yeah, I think about the future.
    • Monica: Am I in it?
    • Richard: You are my future.
    • Monica: Honey, you are about to get so lucky.
    • Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
    • Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
    • ChandlerJoey: That's nice.
    • Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
    • Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
    • Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.
    • Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
    • Joey: He should take the sack?
    • Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.
    • Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
    • Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.
    • Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?
    • Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.
    • Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?
    • Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.
    • [Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress]
    • Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.
    • Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.
    • Chandler: You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?
    • Phoebe: Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.
    • [Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]
    • Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
    • Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.
    • Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone.
    • Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?
    • [about Chandler & Joey]
    • Richard: They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"
    • Joey: There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.
    • Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
    • Chandler: Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.
    • [Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment]
    • Judy Geller: Well, we'll get going.
    • Jack Geller: Bye.
    • [both leave]
    • Monica: Hey. How come they get to leave?
    • Joey: Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country.
    • Monica: No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.
    • [Looking through the ads in a newspaper]
    • Monica: There are no jobs for me.
    • Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?
    • Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef?
    • Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.
    • Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?
    • [upset]
    • Rachel: All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.
    • Ross: Seriously?
    • Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
    • [she starts crying]
    • Rachel: And it was uneven for weeks.
    • [sarcastically]
    • Ross: And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
    • Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
    • [pause]
    • Rachel: And I was thinking Claire Danes.
    • Phoebe: A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.
    • [Ross looking at Monica's legs]
    • Ross: Wow.
    • Chandler: Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs
    • [Telling Rachel how to be sexy]
    • Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose".
    • Chandler: "Flashdance".
    • Joey: Where this plumber chick...
    • Chandler: She was a welder
    • Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie?
    • Ross: I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake...
    • Joey: Mmm.
    • Ross: ...with mealworm.
    • Joey: Ugh.
    • Phoebe: They're coming. Run!
    • Joey: Where?
    • Phoebe: Mexico!
    • Rachel: I've never been to an analyst!
    • Phoebe: And it shows.
    • Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?
    • Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!
    • Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
    • Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.
    • Joey: Of course it was a line!
    • Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?
    • Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."
    • Rachel: You gotta come with me!
    • Phoebe: Come where?
    • Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones!
    • Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too.
    • Ross: So, uh, how long are you going to punish him?
    • Joey: Five years.
    • Ross: You've sentenced him?
    • Joey: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
    • Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
    • Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay?
    • Rachel: Now I love you even more.
    • Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
    • Ross: Yeah, sure.
    • Joey: By someone besides Monica?
    • Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?
    • Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
    • Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
    • Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
    • Monica: He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!
    • Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!
    • Ross: Did you see the kid on that nose?
    • [Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters]
    • Chandler: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.
    • Phoebe: Sting's pen...
    • [as she puts it in her purse]
    • Phoebe: ... that he gave to Phoebe.
    • Chandler: We're getting a house.
    • Monica: We're getting a baby.
    • Chandler: We're growing up.
    • Monica: We sure are.
    • Chandler: So who's going to tell them?
    • Monica: Not it.
    • Chandler: Not it. Damn it!
    • Chandler: What are you guys like a gang or something?
    • [Joey whispers to Rachel]
    • Joey: Yeah, we are.
    • [Rachel whispers to Joey]
    • Rachel: We're the Cobras.
    • [playing a joke on Chandler]
    • Erica: It'd really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, if you'd name him after my father - JimminyBillyBob.
    • [talking to Monica about the new house]
    • Chandler: When did you start crapping money?
    • Rachel: Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose.
    • Joey: Just flip the coin!
    • [frantically presses buttons on answering machine]
    • Ross: Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
    • [from behind]
    • Rachel: I got off the plane.
    • Ross: Hi...
    • Joey: Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.
    • Ross: Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class.
    • Chandler: Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?
    • Ross: So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine!
    • Rachel: Oh yeah... I've done that
    • Ross: And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword!
    • Rachel: I've never done that
    • Ross: And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!
    • Chandler: I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you...
    • [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ]
    • Ross: I want someone who gets my heart pounding
    • [sees Rachel]
    • Ross: ... Someone who...
    • Chandler: Little play things with yarn?
    • Ross: What?
    • Chandler: Could you want her more?
    • Ross: Who?
    • Chandler: Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".
    • Rachel: You didn't finish reading it?
    • Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back!
    • Rachel: Didn't the chick and the duck di...
    • Phoebe: -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.
    • Ross: Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel?
    • Chandler: Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight...
    • [puts message in cupboard]
    • Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.
    • Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?
    • Monica: What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
    • Phoebe: Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother,
    • [trying to pronounce her name in French]
    • Phoebe: Nestlé Toulouse.
    • Monica: What was her name?
    • [again trying to pronounce it in French]
    • Phoebe: Nestlé Toulehouse.
    • Monica: Nestle Toll House?
    • Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
    • Benjamin Hobart: If you say yes, I'm serious, if you say no, I'm joking.
    • Ross: You're crazy!
    • Benjamin Hobart: Crazy? Or... Romantic?
    • Ross: Crazy!
    • Benjamin Hobart: Ooor...
    • Ross: Get out!
    • [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend]
    • Rachel: Ooh look, she's touching his leg.
    • Phoebe: Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.
    • [looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel ]
    • Rachel: Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.
    • Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf.
    • Joey: Do you practice losing at the Grammys too?
    • Rachel: No, at the Grammys, I always win.
    • Janice: It's a small world after all.
    • Chandler: Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!
    • [Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]
    • Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
    • Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.
    • [kisses him on the cheek]
    • [Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also na]
    • Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
    • Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
    • Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
    • [Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
    • Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!
    • [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour]
    • Joey: Joey Tribianni
    • [pause]
    • Joey: 25
    • [pause]
    • Joey: Yeah I'm single
    • [pause]
    • Joey: Actor... hello?
    • [after trying to kiss his cousin]
    • [thinking]
    • Ross: Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER.
    • [actually speaking to his cousin]
    • Ross: I haven't had sex in a very long time.
    • [thinking again]
    • Ross: Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.
    • Chandler: I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?
    • [waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom]
    • Ross: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
    • Richard: No.
    • Ross: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
    • Richard: I have a little comb.
    • Ross: Oh. And what do you call that?
    • Richard: A moustache comb.
    • [Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding]
    • Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!
    • Monica: I'll never have a first kiss again.
    • Phoebe: You'll have a last kiss.
    • Joey: How come we don't have jam at our place?
    • Chandler: Because the kids need shoes.
    • [sings]
    • Phoebe: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!
    • Chandler: ...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"
    • Ross: Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin?
    • Phoebe: It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain.
    • Joey: Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain.
    • Rachel: Oh... me too!
    • Phoebe: Huh! I bet they're doing it!
    • [a beautiful women is checking out Chandler]
    • [stands up]
    • Phoebe: Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec...
    • [clears throat and talks in a deep voice]
    • Phoebe: Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out.
    • [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls]
    • Joey: Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!
    • Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea?
    • [weakly]
    • Phoebe: Uh-huh.
    • Joey: This man is my God!
    • [Rachel's hormones are raging]
    • Phoebe: She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month?
    • Monica: Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me.
    • Phoebe: Did not!
    • Monica: Yes, you did.
    • [puts on a seductive look]
    • Monica: Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you.
    • Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on.
    • [blows Monica a kiss]
    • Rachel: Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!
    • Monica: Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time!
    • Chandler: You see that?
    • Monica: Do you see this?
    • [opens her mouth and stares]
    • Monica: Duhhhhhh?
    • [Monica has refused to go out with Chandler]
    • Monica: Darn it! There's no more soda.
    • Chandler: I'll go get some.
    • Monica: Really?
    • Chandler: Well, I would,
    • [shouts]
    • Chandler: but I'm not your boyfriend!
    • [the Friends are at the beach]
    • Monica: Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.
    • [to Joey]
    • Chandler: You know that's not really true.
    • Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.
    • Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
    • Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that.
    • Dr. Leonard Green: So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for,
    • [points at Mona]
    • Dr. Leonard Green: so you could hang around with this tramp!
    • Mona: *Tramp*?
    • Ross: Oh, uh; Dr. Green, Mona; Mona, Dr. Green.
    • Rachel: How about for a girl, Rain?
    • Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."
    • Phoebe: I know her!
    • Ross: You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today!
    • Chandler: Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
    • Ross: I think it'll be a boy.
    • Phoebe: I think it'll be a girl.
    • Ross: Phoebe, you thought Ben would be a girl.
    • Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball?
    • [Rachel, Phoebe and Joey have just found out that Chandler, Ross and Monica went to an after party with Hootie and the Blowfish]
    • Phoebe: What's on your neck?
    • Monica: That? That would be the work of a Blowfish.
    • [after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre]
    • [thinks]
    • Chandler: Just reach over and pick it up...
    • [discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth]
    • Chandler: There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*!
    • [suddenly starts to gag]
    • Chandler: And now you're choking.
    • [frowns]
    • Jill Goodacre: Are you okay?
    • [Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up]
    • [Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room]
    • Joey: You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e
    • [Listening to Phoebe and Mike breaking up whilst holding a heavy sofa]
    • Chandler: Aaaaaand... Hernia.
    • Ross: The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!
    • Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
    • Joey: Dude, stop talkin' crazy and make us some tea!
    • [Monica thinks their maid stole her pants and bra]
    • Chandler: Monica, come on do you really think that she would steal from us, then come back and wear it right in front of you?
    • Monica: Don't you see? It's the PERFECT crime!
    • [acting as outraged as her]
    • Chandler: She must have been planning this for years!
    • [Janice walks downstairs and finds Monica and Chandler looking at her house]
    • Janice: What a small world!
    • Chandler: ...And yet, I never run into Beyonce.
    • Joey Tribbiani: You don't put words in people's mouths, you put *turkey* in people's mouths!
    • Monica: I am so jealous.
    • Rachel: Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?
    • Chandler: He's right. I'm totally lying.
    • Monica: Then what is it?
    • Chandler: Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
    • Ross: And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes?
    • Chandler: No. I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
    • Ross: I was going for the metaphor.
    • Chandler: Yes and I was saying the actual words.
    • Monica: Big deal. So Joey has had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's great in bed.
    • Chandler: We share a wall. So either is great in bed, or she just liked to agree with him a lot.
    • Rachel: You guys are really just right there.Aren't you?
    • Monica: With you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great because you guys are in love.
    • Chandler: Yeah?
    • Ross: Just go for it Chandler.
    • MonicaRachel: Yeah you should.
    • Chandler: All right. All right. I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.
    • Chandler: Yes... Right where?
    • Monica: The beginning, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking...
    • Chandler: Yeah you gotta love the talking.
    • Monica: And the sex?
    • Chandler: Alright we hadn't have sex yet. Okay. What's the big deal?This is special. I want our love to grow before moving to the next level.
    • Rachel: Oh, chandler, that is so nice.
    • Ross: That is really nice... Lying! No way is that the reason.
    • Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
    • Chandler: Uh huh! Join me, won't you?
    • Phoebe: Today is Mike and my one year anniversary.
    • Rachel: Oh! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date? Your first kiss? The first time you had sex?
    • Phoebe: Yeah!
    • Ross: I'm FINE!
    • Gunther: Here is your coffee.
    • Ross: Thanks Gunther, or "dank je wel voor de koffie".
    • Gunther: You are speaking Dutch - "heb je familie daar?"
    • Ross: Yeah we are done.
    • Gunther: Ezel.
    • Janice: Chandler Bing.
    • [talking about the stock market]
    • Monica: My motto is, get out before they go down.
    • Joey: That is so not my motto.
    • Chandler: Am I sexy in Tulsa?
    • [It's triplets]
    • Dr. Long: Doctors are wrong all the time.
    • Monica: Damn the jellyfish! Damn ALL the jellyfish!
    • Chandler: I am holding up these cushions as a symbol of my remorse! Though you may haveth anger now...
    • Chandler: Do you have the revised Annual Network Usage Summary?
    • Colleague: We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the 70s.
    • Phoebe: PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK!
    • [Everyone's hugging]
    • Chandler: Aw... oh that's right, I have no-one.
    • Joey: I'm a Tribianni! And this is what we do! We may not be great thinkers, or great leaders, we may not be able to run very fast but God Dammit we can eat!
    • Ross: That sandwich was the one good thing in my life. Someone ate the one good thing in my life.
    • Ross: Wow, you sure have a lot of books on being a Lesbian.
    • Susan: Well, you have to take a Course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.
    • [Long, serious lecture]
    • Ross: All of which proves that I thought of Jurassic Park first.
    • [Phoebe's "sold out" at a corporate massage parlour]
    • Rachel: Of course I admire you Phoebe! You have principles! I don't have any.
    • Rachel: You always have to be right.
    • Ross: I do not always- I'm not doing this.
    • Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen.
    • [gives up]
    • Gunther: I broke a cup.
    • Joey: Joey doesn't share food!
    • [living alone]
    • Joey: I thought I'd spend more time with my thoughts, but it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
    • Chandler: You kissed my best Ross!
    • Ross: No divorces in '99!
    • [goes crosseyed]
    • Rachel: Wow, must have been Drake.
    • Phoebe: It's because of stuff like this that you're BURNING IN HELL!
    • [conflicted over Kathy]
    • Chandler: That's no good, I'm starting to yearn!
    • Phoebe: Stop, you guys! Look what you're doing to Chandler!
    • Monica: So if your parents had stayed together you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?
    • Chandler: Well actually, gum would be perfection.
    • [voice over]
    • Chandler: Gum would be perfection? Where did that come from? Coulda said thanks, coulda said I'll have a stick but no, for me, gum would be perfection. I loathe myself.
    • Rachel: Ever since I was humiliated, I've not been in a very museum-benefitty sort of place.
    • Chandler: Go with the Egg, my friend!
    • [to Chandler]
    • Bully: You know what I don't like about you? You've always got something to say.
    • Margha: Is it alright if I stay and watch? I can't go back yet, my roommate is vershlocking a big American Businessman.
    • Joey: I just dropped by to say you're not a real Doctor! And that woman's brain... is fine.
    • Colleague: Now, Chandler, I'm going to need this back on Tuesday.
    • Chandler: If you say so, Sir.
    • Joey: Chandler is a mysterious fellow, one unlikely to take a wife.
    • Phoebe: Leave me behind! I'm just a machine!
    • Chandler: We just think Emily might be being a bit... unreasonable.
    • [pointing]
    • Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!
    • Phoebe: Please don't kill yourself. My mother did, I know what I'm talking about. And besides, I wasn't even meant to be working today. Don't you see that the Universe wants you to live?
    • [shouts at his coworkers]
    • Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner: Do you hear that? I don't need you people. The Universe cares about me! The whole Universe! Ha-ha-ha!
    • [They ignore him. To Phoebe]
    • Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner: I wish they cared a little bit...
    • Rachel: Yes, Phoebe, but Jack gave up a Cow, and I gave up an Orthodontist!
    • Phoebe: Did you love him?
    • Rachel: No.
    • Phoebe: Well, there you go, Jack loved the Cow.
    • [making fun of TV]
    • Phoebe: If I don't hold my hair, my head will fall off.
    • [making fun of TV]
    • Chandler: Oh she should not be wearing those pants! I say push her down the stairs!
    • [trying to persuade Phoebe to live with Rachel]
    • Monica: Did you know she has like a hundred pairs of shoes, and she'll let you borrow them?
    • Rachel: Yeah, and then you stretch them out with your big ol' clown feet...
    • Monica: You want to sleep outside, 'cos it's getting cold!
    • [can't find the Hot Girl]
    • Joey: Hot Girl? Hot Girl!
    • [pinning up warning notice]
    • Resident's Commitee Member: Watch out for this guy. They say he's looking for some kind of Hot Girl.
    • Ross: Who isn't?
    • [doesn't laugh]
    • Ross: Hi, I'm Ross, I'm new to the building.
    • Neighbour: Yes, you were the one who didn't chip in for the handyman.
    • Ross: Never mind.
    • Neighbour: Actually, I thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. You had just moved in.
    • Ross: I had just moved in! Thank you!
    • Joey: What are you worried about? The Vicar will be here any minute.
    • Phoebe: And then what happened?
    • [flaps its wings]
    • Phoebe: Ooooh!
    • [Joey comes in]
    • Phoebe: Hi Joey!
    • [she puts the duck on the floor]
    • Phoebe: This isn't over!
    • Emily's Father: I could kill you with my thumb, you know...
    • Emily's Father: Do you want a piece of me, is that it? Do you want a piece of me?
    • [to his wife]
    • Emily's Father: Come on, buggerface!
    • [smacks Ross on her way out]
    • Andrea Waltham: Call me!
    • Phoebe: You know, we thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
    • Joey: I want to be Mr. Hugglemunch!
    • Phoebe: You know, this reminds me of the time I was living on the street and this guy said he'd buy me food if I slept with him. Because that was a real problem and this is just some High School crap.
    • [she's lost his monkey]
    • Ross: This is just classic Rachel! You're off in Rachel land with no thought for people's feelings or monkeys!
    • Jack Geller: Now, are you his Mother or his Father? What? I've never seen one before! I never even got a chance to pretend I'm okay with it...
    • Joey: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a Cowboy spraying Cologne!
    • Joey: You bet on the bet and if you lose you lose the bet!
    • Phoebe: There's no such thing as an innocent Burger.
    • Shrink Boyfriend: Come on, tell me about it.
    • [Lies down]
    • Phoebe: Well, it's my friends. They have a liking problem. With you. In that... they don't.
    • Shrink Boyfriend: Oh.
    • Phoebe: But I do! Me, Phoebe.
    • Shrink Boyfriend: Well, I can't say I'm surprised. It's what I've come to expect from this kind of co-dependent, dysfunctional group dynamic, this sitting around in your Coffee House drinking from Cups which, I'm sorry, may as well have nipples on them! Saying "Oh, define me, define me! Love me, I need love!"
    • [they break up]
    • Joey: Paper, snow, a Ghost!
    • Phoebe: I've done some research, and it turns out mink aren't very nice.
    • Ross: Mississippilessly?
    • [Name the 50 States Game]
    • Chandler: If you can't do it you can't do it. That's the great thing about this game, it makes you want to kill yourself.
    • Barbershop Quartet Singer: No-one likes a Buttmunch!
    • Chandler: At least your middle name isn't Murial!
    • Ross: Chandler M Bing? Your parents never gave you a chance, did they?
    • [can't talk Phoebe's boyfriend out of moving in with her]
    • Chandler: Were your parents HAPPY or something?
    • Phoebe: We're... just saying Goodbye to the Hotel. We LOVE you, Paradise Hotel, Golf Resort and Spa!
    • Monica: I use my breasts to get people's attention!
    • Rachel: We both do that!
    • Ross: NO FALAFEL FOR YOU!
    • Phoebe: Are you kidding, that woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a Greek Goddess...
    • Joshua Burgin: Oh God, that Special Bond again!
    • Rachel: Well...
    • Joshua Burgin: Do you have a brother?
    • Rachel: No, but one of my sisters had a very... masculine energy.
    • Joshua Burgin: And how did you get on?
    • Rachel: Oh, I don't talk to them, they're not very nice people.
    • [singing in the Hospital]
    • Phoebe: At first they're so cute and soft to the touch/ Then they grow up and resent you so much/ Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why/ and you cry and you cry and you cry/ and you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry... Thanks Ross!
    • Ross: I'm paying you to STOP!
    • Ross: Cat!
    • [Very drunk in Vegas]
    • Ross: It's Joey, I love Joey!
    • Rachel: Joey lives with a duck!
    • Rachel: Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
    • Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.
    • [Drunk, Ross and Chandler's famous romance-author Mother kissed]
    • Chandler: I expect this from her, she's always been a Freudian nightmare.
    • Ross: I went through the same thing with Carol and you know what I did? I got dressed really quickly.
    • Joey Tribbiani: Opposite is opposite!
    • Susie: You know why I like you?
    • Chandler: Because my parents sent me to an all-boys Boarding School and now God is making up for it?
    • Monica: You are just going to have to stop pissing me off.
    • Joey: You're mean in England!
    • Judy Geller: Oh, God. There's a toe in my kitchen...
    • Jessica Lockhart: What writer? Was it bald or was it tall?
    • Monica: There may be something we can fashion.
    • [whispers]
    • Joey Tribbiani: Not knowing when to shut up!
    • Ross: Yep, that's my thing...
    • Joey: Ross, if Homo Sapiens were HOMO Sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
    • Ross: Joey, "Homo Sapiens" are People.
    • Joey: Hey, I'm not Judging!
    • Richard: Let's never speak of this.
    • Rachel: Come on, Monica! They are Cute Doctors.
    • [gesture]
    • Rachel: Doctors who are
    • [gesture]
    • Rachel: Cute!
    • Chandler: So what have we learned so far? Rachel, what's all this about you and Doctors? I mean, was your Father a Doctor?
    • Rachel: ...Yes.
    • Chandler: When I get back it's going to be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on chairs!
    • Joey: This, more than anything, is a staging area.
    • Ross: You're going to destroy the Whole Illusion of the Party!
    • Joey's Hand: Hi Daddy! Why don't you live with Mommy? Who's that other Lady? What's a Lesbian?
    • Chandler: Who's the Bitterest man in the living room/ the Bitterest man in the living room? Hello, Neighbour!
    • Ross: Ugly Baby Judges you!
    • [Chandler's run off]
    • Phoebe: Come on, Ross we've got to think like Chandler!
    • Ross: So where's the one place he'd never expect us to look?
    • [Scene Cuts]
    • Ross: So THIS is your Office?
    • Ross: "Ooh, I must Take a Mental Picture"!
    • Phoebe: You were making fun of Parker? Okay so he's Positive and Energetic and maybe that's a bit much, but I like that about him. You wanna know what I think? I think your collective dating record reads like a Who's Who of Human Crap!
    • Ross: ...What was wrong with Mona?
    • Rachel: You just grabbed some insane woman at the Coffee House?
    • Ross: None of the Sane ones wanted to come back with me!
    • Joey: Up is not an option.
    • Joey: There's always room for jello.
    • Monica: How do you make that dirty?
    • Joey: I can do it with anything, look. Grandma's Chicken Salad.
    • Bridesmaid: Talk New York to me!
    • Joey: Forget about it!
    • Chandler: Full bag... warm bowl... something horrible must have happened here!
    • Chandler: Big head, big head, big head!
    • Rachel: Aw, this is a present from my boyfriend. It's a Love Bug, ha!
    • Joey: You know what the best thing about marriage is? Waking up next to the same face every morning, until the sweet release of death.
    • Chandler: This is the worst Batchelor Party ever!
    • Chandler: You made my girlfriend think!
    • Chandler: You know, you're a great guy, Richard.
    • Richard: Yeah. I hate that.
    • Chandler: When I get back it'll be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on Chairs!
    • [Chandler and Joey are sightseeing in London]
    • Joey: Alright! Westminster Abbey. Hands down. Best Abbey I ever seen.
    • [Joey gets out his digital camera so he can take Chandler's picture in front of the Abbey]
    • Joey: Hey! Ok. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
    • Chandler: Yeah, I think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.
    • Joey: Really? To what?
    • Chandler: To put the camera away!
    • Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby.
    • Chandler: I was being Shelley Winters from the Poseidon Adventure.
    • Ross: I know.
    • Ross: There's going to be Hoopla?
    • Joey: The guy is like a cartoon!
    • Rachel: I'm tired of getting clobbered.
    • Joey: Do you want to hear something weird?
    • Phoebe: Always!
    • Rachel: I can't go alone to my own Prom, it's too harsh!
    • Ross: My Dad would say "Why are you messing around with Dinosaur Toys? Why don't you go out and play like a Real Boy!"
    • [watches touchdown on pocket TV at Funeral]
    • Jack Geller: God, now I'm Depressed! I mean more than before...
    • Phoebe: I just gave birth to three children and I will not see them grow up in a World where Joey is right!
    • Chandler: Hell is full of people like you.
    • Ross: There was nothing in your father's fridge except Heavy Cream and Bacon. I think I solved the mystery of the heart attack.
    • Dr. Leonard Green: Rust is boat cancer, Ross!
    • Ross: I lost an aunt to that.
    • [Caught Phonehacking]
    • Monica: I might be getting my period, I don't know.
    • Monica: That was close.
    • Chandler: Yes, you almost over-reacted to something.
    • [Wedding]
    • Nora Bing: Oh, Chandler! We thought we messed you up so much, this day would never come!
    • Frank Buffay Jr.: No, it was perfect. Telling you about my likes and dislikes. How I like to melt things and dislike things that don't melt. A hooker tried to break my arm.
    • Phoebe: She's not a hooker.
    • Frank Buffay Jr.: Yes, but when I tell my friends about it later, she WILL BE a hooker.
    • Joey: They say I was so badly injured that the only person who could have saved me was me. It's some kind of Irony...
    • Chandler: He said "Hey Todd, want a donut?" And I wanted a donut. So now it's five years later, the donut's gone, and I'm still Todd.
    • Phoebe: Boobs will help us figure it out.
    • Chandler: Something funny about sneakers.
    • Richard: My parents are dead.
    • Monica: You're so lucky!
    • Richard: I like them better than my other friends, all they say is: "Do you know who just died shovelling snow?"
    • Ross: It's always been you, Rachel!
    • [they kiss and are happy until a minute and a half later, when Rachel notices her name on Chandler's Computer Screen]
    • Kid: Hey, is this the place with the Singing Lady who Tells the Truth?
    • Monica: It turns out Fun Bobby was Fun for a Reason!
    • Phoebe: I'm not going to let that man make you eat your Baby.
    • Joey: Rachel, if you're going to the airport, could you get me one of those Tobelerone Bars?
    • Monica: You like having baths with me!
    • [an American]
    • Chandler: It's not the bath I like, it's the wet naked Lady!
    • Joey: No, I'm upset because nobody believed Quincy's Theory!
    • [an American]
    • Rachel: I've got something that's going to make you hap-py!
    • [replacement bracelet]
    • Joey: It must have been a great play, because I didn't understand a single word of it!
    • Ross: I KNEW YOU'D BE MY DEATH, PHOEBE BUFFAY!
    • [as the movers are moving a dresser out of the bedroom]
    • Monica: Careful with that, it was my Grandmother's. Be careful.
    • Monica: Oh yeah, that's true.
    • Ross: Uh, I haven't.
    • Monica: No, what about the Summer during college that you lived with Grandma? And you tried to make it as a dancer.
    • [as everyone awkwardly stares at him]
    • Ross: Do you realize we almost made it 10 years without that coming up?
    • [to Chandler]
    • Monica: Oh, Honey, I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys.
    • Chandler: Oh, okay.
    • [as Monica and Chandler take their keys out of their pockets and place them on the kitchen counter, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Jo]
    • Phoebe: I guess this is it.
    • Joey: Yeah... I guess so.
    • [Crying]
    • Monica: This is harder than I thought it would be.
    • [Two more movers are moving the giant white dog statue from the balcony]
    • [Chandler kisses Monica on her head, then hugs her, as Ross does the same to Rachel, whom is also crying, with Ross also hugging]
    • Rachel: What, do you guys have to move to the new house right away or do you have some time?
    • [Monica and Chandler look at each other, with Chandler nodding in agreement]
    • Monica: We got some time.
    • Rachel: Okay, should we get some coffee?
    • Chandler: Sure.
    • [They begin walking towards the front door to exit the apartment]
    • Chandler: Where?
    • [They group is then seen in the hallway, coming out of the apartment, walking to the stairway, as the camera pans Monica's now-e]
    • Monica: If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
    • [She hands the one mover some money]
    • [Looking around the now empty apartment]
    • Ross: Wow.
    • Rachel: I know. Seems smaller, somehow.
    • Joey: Has it always been purple?
    • [to the babies]
    • Chandler: Look around, you guys. This was your first home... and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter. But, more importantly, 'cause of rent control, it was a friggin' steal.
    • Phoebe: Hey, do you realize that at one time or another, we all lived in this apartment?
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