Clerks Movie Poster

Quotes from Clerks

Showing all 45 items
    • Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
    • Caitlin Bree: Can I use your bathroom?
    • Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
    • Caitlin Bree: You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
    • Randal Graves: Territoriality. He was mine first.
    • Caitlin Bree: Oh, that was so cute.
    • Randal Graves: There's no lights back there.
    • Caitlin Bree: Why aren't there any lights?
    • Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
    • Caitlin Bree: You're kidding.
    • Randal Graves: Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, 'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
    • Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs.
    • Randal Graves: And I'm caught in the middle - torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
    • Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage.
    • Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
    • [after losing a hockey ball from the roof]
    • Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
    • Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
    • Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
    • [repeated line]
    • Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!
    • Dante Hicks: You gonna lock the video store?
    • Randal Graves: Look who you're asking, here.
    • [last lines]
    • Randal Graves: You're closed.
    • [tosses cloth open sign at Dante]
    • Dante Hicks: What time do you get to work today?
    • Randal Graves: I dunno. Like... ten, or ten after.
    • Dante Hicks: Wrong! You were over a half an hour late! And then all you do is come in here!
    • Randal Graves: Yeah, to talk to you.
    • Dante Hicks: Which means the video store is ostensibly closed.
    • Randal Graves: Oh, it's not like I'm miles away!
    • Dante Hicks: Unless you're out renting videos at other video stores!
    • Randal Graves: Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we could watch it together.
    • Coroner: My question is, how did she come to have sex with a dead man?
    • Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.
    • Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
    • Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
    • Dante Hicks: "Empire".
    • Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
    • Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
    • Randal Graves: You know who I can do without? I can do without the people in the video store.
    • Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
    • Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.
    • Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.
    • [more vignettes]
    • Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
    • Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway?
    • [zoom out to see a huge "99¢" sign behind her]
    • Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!
    • Dante Hicks: Which ones?
    • Randal Graves: All of them.
    • [a series of vignettes]
    • Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
    • Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new movies in?
    • [zoom out to see a huge sign that says "Brand New Movies" directly above her]
    • Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
    • Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the racks.
    • Dante Hicks: How many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
    • Jay: I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' about?
    • Burner Looking for Weed: Hey, you got anything, man?
    • Jay: Yeah, what you want?
    • Dante Hicks: Someone jammed gum in the locks.
    • Veronica Loughran: You're kidding.
    • Dante Hicks: Bunch of savages in this town.
    • [His only line]
    • Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
    • Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
    • [about the Death Star in "Return of the Jedi"]
    • Dante Hicks: All right, so they bring in independent contractors, why are you so upset at its destruction?
    • Caged Animal Masturbator: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
    • Dante Hicks: You hate people!
    • Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
    • Jay: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
    • Randal Graves: Duh duh... duh duh... duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh... Salsa shark! We're gonna need a bigger boat! Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.
    • [singing]
    • Jay: Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin' Weed, Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beers...
    • Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?
    • Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
    • Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
    • Dante Hicks: Somebody jammed gum in the locks.
    • Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.
    • Dante Hicks: That's what I said.
    • [about Silent Bob's Russian Cousin]
    • Jay's Lady Friend: He only speaks Russian?
    • Jay: Naw, he speaks some English, but he can't all speak it good like we do.
    • [Randall is watching hermaphroditic porn]
    • Caitlin Bree: What are you watching?
    • Randal Graves: Children's programming.
    • Randal Graves: Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees. Said the video store was closed for two hours yesterday. So, I tore up his membership.
    • Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority.
    • Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
    • [on his past relationship with Caitlin]
    • Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep.
    • Randal Graves: That's frightening.
    • Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.
    • Randal Graves: In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
    • Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
    • Randal Graves: Oh, my God.
    • Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?
    • Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.
    • Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - do you know who wound up in that dark bedroom with Brad?
    • Randal Graves: Your mother?
    • Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.
    • Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?
    • Randal Graves: Do you know what I just watched?
    • Dante Hicks: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
    • Randal Graves: Return of the Jedi.
    • [Veronica sprays a crowd pelting Dante with cigarettes]
    • Veronica Loughran: Who's leading this mob?
    • [coughing]
    • Woolen Cap Smoker: That guy.
    • Veronica Loughran: Freeze! Let's see some credentials. *Slowly*. You're a Chewley's Gum Representative? And you're stirring up all this anti-smoking sentiment to, what, sell more gum? GET OUT OF HERE! And you people, don't you have jobs to go to? Get out of here, go commute! You oughta be ashamed of yourselves. Bunch of easily-led automatons. Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes!
    • [approaches the counter]
    • Woolen Cap Smoker: Uhhhh... pack of cigarettes?
    • Randal Graves: What'd your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?
    • Caitlin Bree: She said not to come home until after graduation.
    • Randal Graves: Wow, you got thrown out for Dante?
    • Caitlin Bree: What can I say? He does weird things to me.
    • Randal Graves: Ooh, can I watch?
    • Caitlin Bree: You can hold me down.
    • Randal Graves: Can I join in?
    • Caitlin Bree: You might be let down. I'm not a hermaphrodite.
    • Randal Graves: Hey, few are.
    • #812 Wynarski: Hey, you see a set keys around here?
    • Randal Graves: No time for love, Doctor Jones!
    • #812 Wynarski: Fuckin' kids!
    • Randal Graves: This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
    • Coroner: Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.
    • [Randal sorrowfully looks down, remembering his cousin Walter]
    • [after a customer got his hand stuck in a can of Pringles]
    • Dante Hicks: A little word of advice, my friend. Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
    • Jay: Pack o' wraps, my brotherman, time to kick back, drink some beers and shmoke some weed!
    • [first lines]
    • [phone rings and Dante falls out of a closet]
    • Dante Hicks: Hello. What? No, I don't work today. I'm playing hockey at two.
    • Veronica Loughran: Hi, Randal.
    • Randal Graves: Thirty-seven?
    • Dante Hicks: Shut up!
    • Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
    • Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
    • Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...
    • Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
    • Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
    • Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?
    • Randal Graves: What?
    • Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
    • Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
    • Randal Graves: You'll be missed.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
    • [leaves]
    • [runs to the door]
    • Randal Graves: Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
    • [outside; has no idea what's going on]
    • Jay: Yeah!
    • Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
    • Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
    • Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
    • Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
    • Randal Graves: Nope.
    • [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies]
    • Indecisive Video Customer: Well, what about these two?
    • [talking about the second Death Star]
    • Randal Graves: A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
    • Dante Hicks: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...
    • Randal Graves: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
    • Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
    • Randal Graves: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
    • [notices Dante's confusion]
    • Randal Graves: All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
    • Jay: Olaf, what part of Russia you from?
    • Olaf Oleeson: Moscow.
    • Jay: Hey what you want, Grizzly Adams?
    • Veronica Loughran: You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.
    • Dante Hicks: Animal, mineral or vegetable.
    • Veronica Loughran: Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.
    • Dante Hicks: They put up the least amount of struggle.
    • Sign Outside Quick Stop: I assure you; we're open.
    • Caitlin Bree: ''Wreck'' is a harsh term.
    • Dante Hicks: ''Disturbed'' is more like it. ''Mildly disturbed,'' even.
    • Caitlin Bree: Oh, l love a macho facade. lt is such a turn-on.
    • [a happy and satistifed looking Caitlin exits from the back room and walks toward the front of the store where Dante and Randal ]
    • Caitlin Bree: How did you get here so fast?
    • Dante Hicks: I left here like an hour ago.
    • Caitlin Bree: Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman?
    • [both Dante and Randal look at each other confused]
    • Randal Graves: Maybe that Asian design major slipped her some opium.
    • Dante Hicks: Could be.
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