Beetlejuice Movie Poster

Quotes from Beetlejuice

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    • [enters a room with Barbara holding up Adam's severed head]
    • Otho: Ugh. Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
    • Charles: Delia Deetz, welcome home.
    • [being kissed]
    • Delia: Charles...
    • Charles: It's okay, there's no damage. See? It's okay. Good, sturdy country craftsmanship. And look at that kitchen. You're finally gonna be able to cook a decent meal.
    • [Delia rolls her eyes]
    • [Evaluating her new home]
    • Delia: A little gasoline... blowtorch... no problem.
    • [after Jane did not hear Adam call her]
    • Barbara: She didn't see you, right?
    • Adam: Unh-uh.
    • [reading the handbook]
    • Barbara: In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".
    • Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?
    • Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
    • [Adam takes the book and closes it]
    • Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
    • Juno: What's wrong?
    • Barbara: We're very unhappy.
    • Juno: What did you expect? You're dead!
    • [after the Deetzes moved in]
    • Barbara: Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do?
    • Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
    • Juno: Okay, have you been studying the manual?
    • Adam: Well, we tried.
    • Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all: get them out yourselves, it's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
    • Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it.
    • Juno: I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you!
    • Adam: We should start more simply then?
    • Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice! You should have been studying those lessons since day one.
    • [On the new house]
    • Lydia: Delia hates it.
    • [sees a HUGE spider on a web]
    • Lydia: I could live here.
    • Beetlejuice: Go ahead, make my millennium.
    • Beetlejuice: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
    • Adam: What are your qualifications?
    • Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
    • [In the afterlife waiting room]
    • Receptionist: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch.
    • Charles: Pumpkin... sweetheart...
    • [kisses her and forces her out his study room]
    • Charles: Go help your mother.
    • Lydia: Maybe *you* can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
    • [as Adam and Barbara come back to the afterlife]
    • Juno: You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook!
    • Adam: Handbook? When?
    • [rolls her eyes]
    • Juno: Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
    • [while Lydia shows them the attic]
    • Otho: Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted.
    • Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.
    • Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?
    • [bangs on the door]
    • Delia: Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
    • Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.
    • Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.
    • [about the house]
    • Otho: There's absolutely no organic flowthrough.
    • Delia: I noticed that too; it's like a giant... ant farm.
    • Delia: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.
    • Charles: Ha.
    • Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!
    • [after a long pause]
    • Charles: Yeah, well, you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?
    • [smiles]
    • Delia: Okay.
    • [Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]
    • [furiously]
    • Barbara: I'm gonna get her.
    • [Lydia is writing a suicide note]
    • Lydia: I am alone.
    • [throws paper away and starts over]
    • Lydia: I am *utterly* alone.
    • Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
    • Delia: Charles...
    • Otho: Why not?
    • Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
    • Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
    • Charles: As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement, okay?
    • Lydia: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.
    • Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
    • Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
    • Lydia: Of course I can see you.
    • Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
    • Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual". I myself am strange and unusual.
    • Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
    • Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
    • Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
    • Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
    • Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased...
    • Lydia: Are you a ghost, too?
    • Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.
    • Otho: What happened to these people?
    • Delia: They died. Oh, look, an indoor outhouse.
    • Adam: Cabin fever, hon?
    • Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
    • Adam: Maybe this is heaven.
    • Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
    • [talking to a workman]
    • Delia: If you tell me what you do, I'll tell you why my husband will fire you.
    • [as a snake]
    • Beetlejuice: We've come for your daughter, Chuck.
    • [after Lydia says his name three times]
    • Beetlejuice: It's showtime!
    • [Head spins wildly and begins shrieking]
    • Beetlejuice: Don't you hate it when that happens?
    • Adam: You've read our book?
    • Lydia: Yeah.
    • Adam: You can follow it?
    • Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
    • Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.
    • Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
    • [as Bernard, Grace, and Beryl leaves not convinced of the ghost]
    • Delia: This was not a hallucination. This was real. We all just experienced a super-powerful, paranormal experience, and it was real.
    • Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.
    • [Bernard slams the door as he leaves]
    • Charles: Drive carefully!
    • [aghast]
    • Delia: I'm dead.
    • Bernard: Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.
    • Otho: Well, of course! You remember, after my stint with the Living Theatre I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers until the bottom dropped out in '72.
    • [cynically]
    • Beryl: Paranormal - is that what they're calling your kind these days?
    • Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
    • [Delia laughs]
    • [last lines]
    • [in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor who is next in line]
    • Beetlejuice: Pardon me. Did you do that?
    • [points to an explorer with a shrunken head]
    • Beetlejuice: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma...? Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!
    • [as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]
    • Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...
    • [the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head which starts it shrinking]
    • [voice getting higher as head gets smaller]
    • Beetlejuice: Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.
    • Dumb Football Player: Coach. Coach, where's the men's room?
    • Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived!
    • Very Dumb Football Player: Wait, Coach, let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
    • Juno: Will you get out of here! Go on, get downstairs! "'Men's room!" Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
    • Beetlejuice: Let's see, business section.
    • [he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper]
    • Beetlejuice: Ooh la la. What do we got here? The Maitlands, uh? Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.
    • Beetlejuice: These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.
    • [as Otho tries to escape]
    • Beetlejuice: Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs!
    • [he dresses Otho up in horrible, conventional clothes]
    • [the football players have re-entered Juno's office]
    • Very Dumb Football Player: Coach?
    • Juno: What?
    • [looking disturbed]
    • Very Dumb Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.
    • [sarcastically]
    • Juno: How did you guess?
    • [picks up a spider]
    • Adam: Now that's a big fella.
    • [spider almost falls out of his hand]
    • Adam: Whoa!
    • [reading The Handbook for the Living and the Dead]
    • Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions.
    • [Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background]
    • Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.
    • [a head sculpture of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him]
    • Charles: Jeez!
    • [Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpture up and smiles]
    • Delia: He likes it.
    • Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
    • Adam: We're ghosts!
    • Lydia: What do you look like under there?
    • Adam: Aren't you scared?
    • Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you "Night of the Living Dead" under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
    • Adam: Night of the what?
    • Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
    • Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
    • Charles: Nice building... bad roof... goooood parking.
    • Delia: This is my art, and it is dangerous! Do you think I want to die like this?
    • Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?
    • [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself]
    • Beetlejuice: Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.
    • [Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]
    • Beetlejuice: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.
    • [finishing his used-car style commercial]
    • Beetlejuice: And remember...
    • [sings and hops back and forth]
    • Beetlejuice: I'll eat anything you want me to eat. I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! Arroooo!
    • [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring]
    • Beetlejuice: I'm tellin' ya, honey, she meant nothin' to me. Nothin' at all!
    • [In a decomposed state and trying to say Beetlejuice's name three times]
    • Adam: BEH...
    • [his mouth falls out]
    • [after kicking down a model tree]
    • Beetlejuice: Nice fuckin' model!
    • Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
    • [hands Barbara a rat]
    • Barbara: Whoa! AHH!
    • Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.
    • Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!
    • Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.
    • [In Betelgeuse's voice]
    • Barbara: Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
    • Otho: Oh, you family types, you got other things to worry about. Maxie Dean's coming up here tonight. You got to figure out a way to sell these ghosts. I can only do so much.
    • Charles: What are you gonna do, Otho, viciously rearrange their enviroment?
    • Otho: I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.
    • [reading]
    • Adam: 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'.
    • Barbara: ...*deceased*.
    • Adam: Deceased?
    • Barbara: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.
    • [does so]
    • Adam: 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'.
    • Barbara: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!
    • [Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"]
    • Barbara: I hate this. Just can you give me the basics?
    • Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
    • Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?
    • Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
    • [Snaps book shut]
    • Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
    • [in the waiting room of the afterlife]
    • [the dead people laugh]
    • Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
    • Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.
    • [points at a gaunt man smoking]
    • Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.
    • [points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
    • Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...
    • [shows her slit wrists]
    • Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.
    • [Adam and Barbara make it back home as the sandworm is about to eat them]
    • [crying, hugs Adam]
    • Barbara: Oh, Adam! We're trapped in this house with those people!
    • [Adam and Barbara see a dark room with decomposed souls]
    • Barbara: Oh, Adam... What is this?
    • Janitor: That's the lost souls room; a room for ghosts that have been exorcised. The poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook.
    • [he closes the shade of the room]
    • Janitor: Keep moving.
    • Messenger: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.
    • Adam: Fine, you look fine.
    • Messenger: Yeah?
    • Barbara: Fine.
    • Messenger: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat.
    • [he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room]
    • Beetlejuice: I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action...
    • [a brothel appears]
    • [dances with joy]
    • Beetlejuice: Hey, Adam, nice move!
    • Barbara: Adam, why did you build that?
    • Adam: I didn't!
    • [Adam and Barbara appear at Juno's office]
    • Juno: The whorehouse was my idea! I want you to get Beetlejuice out of the picture!
    • [to Charles and Delia]
    • Beetlejuice: Mom, Dad. I just want you two to know, you're welcome at our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, dad.
    • [gives Charles a handful of snakes]
    • Otho: I have a feeling there's something very interesting behind that door.
    • [sarcastically]
    • Delia: Yeah. Ghosts. The people who died in this house and they want us OUT of here. Well, let's do them a favor...
    • [to Adam]
    • Barbara: What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away?
    • [to Adam]
    • Barbara: Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.
    • Char Man: Want a cigarette?
    • Adam: No, thank you.
    • Char Man: I'm trying to cut down myself.
    • Barbara: What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel...
    • Juno: Shhh! Don't even say his name! You don't want his help!
    • Adam: We might.
    • Juno: No, you don't! He does not work well with others.
    • Barbara: What do you mean?
    • Juno: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times. But I strongly suggest you get the Deetzes out by yourselves.
    • [repeated line]
    • Barbara: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.
    • Beetlejuice: You want to get somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.
    • Adam: Can you be scary?
    • Beetlejuice: Oh, thanks for asking
    • [turns around, imitates jerking-off]
    • Beetlejuice: . Can I be scary? What do you think of this?
    • [makes a horrific image we don't see]
    • Beetlejuice: You like it?
    • Beetlejuice: Oh, yeah. Here I am come, baby.
    • Beetlejuice: Attention K-Mart shoppers.
    • Barbara: Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.
    • Adam: She's got photos, Barbara.
    • Barbara: Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!
    • Beetlejuice: *That* is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, I won't.
    • Lydia: They wanted me to dissect a frog, I told them it was against my religion.
    • [while eating Cantonese food]
    • Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
    • [Trying to get Lydia to say his name three times]
    • Beetlejuice: No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. Just SAY IT!
    • Preacher: And you, do you, Lydia, take this man...?
    • [Interrupting]
    • Lydia: No! Beetle...
    • [covers Lydia's mouth with his hand]
    • Beetlejuice: She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?
    • [speaks in Lydia's voice]
    • Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.
    • [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear]
    • Beetlejuice: Hi! How are ya' ?
    • Lydia: The snake.
    • Beetlejuice: No, what snake? You kids and your imaginations... Look, just say it!
    • Lydia: No... I want to talk to Barbara.
    • Beetlejuice: No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. JUST SAY IT!
    • [Gasps]
    • Lydia: Ah, B-Beetle!
    • Beetlejuice: Yes! Now for part two...
    • [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass]
    • Lydia: Beetle... Breakfast... Orange... Liquid... Beetle Juice?
    • Beetlejuice: Yes! You said it!
    • Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?
    • Beetlejuice: You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time!
    • Lydia: It was you.
    • Beetlejuice: Me?
    • [On Otho's seance]
    • Lydia: Wait... what am I worried about, Otho, you can't even change a tire.
    • [the Maitlands have tried to scare the Deetzes away at dinner]
    • Adam: Let's watch them scatter.
    • [Adam and Barbara move to the attic window]
    • Adam: Any minute now they're gonna' come running out of that door screaming.
    • [No one does]
    • Adam: Any minute now.
    • Lydia: If you are real ghosts, you guys better get another routine because those sheets, they don't work.
    • Jane Butterfield: This house is so big. It really ought to belong to people who have children.
    • Adam: It's the first day of our vacation, and you haven't been out of the kitchen since five a.m.
    • [proudly]
    • Barbara: I always make the flag cake.
    • Adam: Fifty stars, thirteen stripes. Did you get it right this year?
    • Barbara: I'll go see who that is. You start counting.
    • [she goes out of the kitchen into the dining room]
    • [starts counting the stars by naming off the states]
    • Adam: Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Massachusetts. Connecticut.
    • Lydia: I was just trying to open the door. Mrs. Butterfield brought over a skeleton key.
    • [irritated, over his shoulder]
    • Charles: What?
    • Lydia: I'm lonely.
    • Charles: What?
    • Lydia: Nothing.
    • Charles: Let me have it.
    • Lydia: But it doesn't work.
    • [She hands her father the key. He looks at it and throws it in the corner]
    • Charles: Skeleton keys never work. Anyway, this can wait. We'll get a crowbar later. Where's your mother?
    • Lydia: Stepmother.
    • Charles: I'm going down to relax. I want a noise-free zone. Do you understand? Noise-free.
    • [he goes down the stairs]
    • Lydia: Dad?
    • [Lydia hears wild moaning through the wall and assumes it's her stepmother Delia]
    • Lydia: God, how can you stand that woman...
    • Beetlejuice: I'm just doin' my job. Besides, I thought we had a deal! Hey, it's OK. You know why? I don't wanna do business with you deadbeats anyway. The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter. I think she understands me.
    • Beetlejuice: You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing... it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem. I got these friends I said I'd meet, and it's the kind of thing where I have to be there in person, so could you help me get out of here?
    • Lydia: I want to get in.
    • Beetlejuice: Why?... You know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, then maybe we could talk or something.
    • Barbara: What's wrong?
    • Lydia: Beetle...
    • Barbara: Shhh!
    • Lydia: HE told me that if I could let him out, he would take me to the other side to find you.
    • Barbara: Lydia, we're dead.
    • Lydia: Well, I want to be dead too.
    • Barbara: No! Lydia, being dead really doesn't make things any easier.
    • Adam: Listen to her on this, Lydia, this is something we know a lot about!
    • [a fly appears in the Maitland home, it flies onto the model of the town, then lands near the graveyard area]
    • [pops out of a crack]
    • Beetlejuice: Hey! Hey, you! Hey, come here!
    • [fly stops, looks Betelgeuse's direction while the hands hold up a Zagnut candy bar]
    • Beetlejuice: Got something good for ya... Here, boy. Wanna come on over? Have a bite?Want something to nosh?
    • [enticed by the bar, the fly comes closer, quite hesitant... ]
    • [laughs]
    • Beetlejuice: Come here!
    • [grabs the fly and pulls him into the crack, throws the Zagnut aside]
    • The Fly: Help me! Help me! Help meeeee!
    • [a burp is heard]
    • [at the Maitland home]
    • Juno: Things seem pretty quiet. Thank God you didn't die in Italy.
    • Delia: Kids. You know, I love them.
    • Charles: I'm not sure this is the right environment for Lydia. Snakes, ghosts...
    • Delia: Shrimp.
    • Adam: How is it that you can see us but nobody else can?
    • Lydia: Well, I read in that "Handbook For The Recently Deceased". It says, "Live people ignore the strange and unusual." I, myself, am strange and unusual.
    • Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
    • Juno: So, I don't care what it takes! You get the Deetz's out of there now!
    • Juno: Not bad, not bad.
    • [Points over to Barbara]
    • Juno: Now, you.
    • [Barbara hesitates]
    • Juno: Go ahead.
    • [Barbara thinks for a minute, then rolls her eyes all the back, pops them to the back of her head, then grotesquely pulls contor]
    • Juno: Okay... you look great! Now, go clean house and don't forget the photographs and the damn handbook!
    • [They get up and leave as the football players return]
    • Very Dumb Football Player: Coach?
    • Juno: What?
    • [Barbara and Adam stand up, getting ready to leave]
    • Very Dumb Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash?
    • [Sarcastically]
    • Juno: How did you guess?
    • Juno: Ooh, wait!
    • [They sit back down]
    • Juno: What are you going to do?
    • [No response]
    • Juno: To scare them! I want to make sure it's not some silly parlor trick.
    • Adam: I'll go first, honey.
    • [Barbara nods and mouths the word "Okay", as Adam takes off his glasses and contorts his face into a hideous, grotesque new face]
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